Homophobe Refuses to Tip Server Gets Surprise Tweet From God

November 18, 2013 by 3 Comments

Credit Card Invoice

 

 

 

 

Last week Dayna Morales, a former Marine and current waitress at a Bridgewater, NJ restaurant, shared an incident on Facebook’s Have a Gay Day Page.  Dayna presented a $93 dinner tab to Mom, Pop and their two young children. Mom, later identified as Mrs. Bigot, wrote on her credit card Invoice, in lieu of a tip,

“Sorry I cannot tip because I do not agree with your lifestyle & the way you live your life.”

Satire-ish.com caught up with the Bigots’ and interviewed Mom.

Satire-ish.com: Must be exhausting deciding how much to tip based on the status, appearance, or lifestyle, of your server?

Mrs. Bigot: It is. We used to tip 8% for excellent service, but, you know, the math was tricky and, frankly, expensive. Now, we just Eyeball our server. We’ve been lucky. We always find a reason to hate.

Satire-ish.com: Did you know that over 15,000 people have expressed support for the woman you refused to tip?

Mrs. Bigot: Yea, I was shocked to read that. Don’t know what’s happening in this country. It’s getting to be a Bigot isn’t safe speaking their mind anymore. What’s going to happen to us? I mean, yesterday, I got a Tweet from God. God used almost the same words I used with that waitress. I printed it out. I’ll read it to you. God tweeted this:

“Sorry I cannot let the Bigots into Heaven because I do not agree with the way they live their lives.”

 

Later, we asked God to elaborate. God texted the following to us:

“Going to Church is not a ticket to Heaven. Tell your readers God said no one is getting into Heaven who does not object to every joke that begins with, ‘This Polish guy walks up to two Jews in a bowling alley…’, or ‘Two fags walk up to a priest…,’ or “This drunk Irishman walks into a bar…’, or …  Damn, damn, damn. It’s too wordy. Here’s my Rule:

‘The Pearly Gates to Heaven are closed to anybody who acts like they are better than someone else.  That’ll work.”

Filed Under: All, Political-ish, Rants & Raves, Satire-ish Tagged With: , , , ,

In His Farewell, Pope Benedict Rebukes Timing of Cardinal Mahoney’s Autobiography, Pedophiles-R-Us

February 24, 2013 by 2 Comments

POPE BENEDICT XVI

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI released the following statement:

Since announcing my retirement, scurrilous rumors have surfaced surrounding possible reasons for my stepping down from the papacy. I hereby deny a connection with Cardinal Mahoney being relieved of all duties last month because thousands of files were made public revealing the Cardinal’s conduct in protecting priests accused of sexually abusing minors. However, I am critical of the timing of the release of Cardinal Mahoney’s autobiography, Pedophiles-R-Us. That title shows a lack of sensitivity, and compassion for the real victims of this tragedy – those few members of the clergy who might have been wrongly accused of sexual misconduct but were nevertheless suddenly uprooted in the middle of the night and shipped off to other parishes, God-knows-where, around the world. My heart aches for them.

With only a few hours left in my papacy, I don’t wish to pull rank by reminding the world of my infallibility, but does Pedophiles-R-Us really tell the whole story of the modern Catholic Church?

I would hope not.

Let’s not forget that as Cardinal Ratzinger, I was solely responsible, in 2003 and 2004, for investigating some 3,000 cases of sexual abuse and formulating the Church’s response before I was kicked upstairs, in 2005, into the Isolation Booth of Infallibility. Was sexual abuse and cover-up systemic  and epidemic throughout the Church? And was the Pope’s office tainted by that abuse?

Well, I say now emphatically – while still cloaked with infallibility –  as I summarily concluded in 2004,

“I would hope not.”

Pope Benedict XVIAnd, please, let’s not dignify reports of blackmail and a powerful gay conclave within the Vatican. Shame, shame on the press.  Yes, I have seen pictures of priests, some dressed in drag, others performing gay sex acts.  But who hasn’t? The question is not whether these pictures exist but did they compel me to resign?  No, they did not. QED. So, let’s move on.

So what have we learned through all these scandals? I mean really, does anybody have any idea?  I’d like to know; I mean, really, I’d like, for once, to be in the loop.

To my flock, I say this: If we would all just stop using condoms and other means of contraception; if women everywhere would just resign themselves to their subservient position within the Church and society and return to the kitchen; and if all those pedophiles and homosexuals and lesbians would just stop-it, wouldn’t this be a better happier world?  Doesn’t anybody but me miss 1952?

Lastly, much has been made of the fact that no Pope has resigned the papacy for six centuries. I’m eighty-five years old.  I’m tired. Maybe the Church could use some new ideas, some new blood – dare I say it: some diversity – as we march into the 21st Century. Maybe, just maybe, the Church ought to clean house once every six centuries.

Well, I would hope not.

Filed Under: All, Political-ish, Rants & Raves, Satire-ish Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

This Thanksgiving Thank God Jill Kelley is Not Your Next-Door Neighbor

November 21, 2012 by Leave a Comment

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:  

If God has time to entertain all my Wishes, including striking anyone down who dares to start a 2016 presidential campaign before November of 2016, then this Thanksgiving I :

  1. Thank God Jill Kelley is not my next-door neighbor because I don’t want my emails and topless photos of me being boxed up, carted out of my house, and combed over by thousands of FBI agents in hot pursuit of some federal crime I might have committed in the social intercourse of leaning over the boundary bush and being neighborly with good old social climbing Jill.
  2. Thank God my name is not General Petraeus, not General Allen, not General Motors, not General Foods, not General anything cause this Kelley woman never met a General she didn’t chase after and bring down.
  3. Thank God the war in Afghanistan has been going on for so many years that not one American soldier is at risk of death or injury in that country so our commanding officer has nothing else to do all day but write 30,000 emails to a Tampa socialite and swear, “I did not have sex with that woman.”  As if I never heard that line before; and if it’s true (this time), then:
  4. Thank God, I mean really Thank God, for the “chain of command” because somewhere, someplace, someone in authority, way, way down the chain of command – maybe a straight person or maybe a gay person no longer preoccupied with “don’t ask, don’t tell – is not thinking with his or her genitals in hand and is actually protecting this country from those who intend to do it great harm.
  5. And golly-gee God, most of all, thanks ever so much this Thanksgiving for giving us Americans this extraordinary Constitution and really swell form of government, that somehow survives and endures year after year even though so many of our elected and appointed leaders are driving around in government issued vehicles with their heads stuck up their asses, with one foot firmly on the throttle and one hand wrapped around a bottle of Viagra, wondering where and when the next really cool extra-marital thrill might be coming from before the blessed effects of “this here little blue pill wears off.”
Filed Under: All, Political-ish, Rants & Raves, Satire-ish, Un-Categorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Ode To Ish

October 29, 2012 by 2 Comments

Second Place

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

Yesterday, after yet another deadline missed, I thought of This:

Though not submitted “by precisely seven p.m.” – as required by the rules –

it was, in fact, delivered at Seven-ish.

And then I wondered whether I – and the world too – have long been Remiss,

in failing to acknowledge how much I – and we –  owe to Ish.

If you can’t be the best in your field, in your time, or even be on time, at least be close; be Ish –

make that your goal, your niche, your Wish.

 

In this competitive world, where non-winners are too often labeled losers, it’s Nice,

when something less than best can Suffice;

I cheer whenever an Olympic champion, unable to capture gold –

any average Joe, Pierre, Juan, Gretchen, or Hans –

comes home a hero, proudly wearing silver or Bronze.

God bless those of us who were never the best but had the Stuff –

to be, well… just good Enough.

 

It’s hard, is it not, to see ourselves as others Do?

I, for example, was always a wonderfully attentive lover, as many along the way would testify acknowledge as being True.

I never once had cause to ask, “Was I your Best?

Or, “Are you satisfied, my Dearest?”

For I suspected that even if not completely satisfactory as I might have aspired or Wished,

I was surely – between the sheets – sexually speaking, Satisfactory… ish.

But I must confess how deeply it pained me when a lover,

seemingly spent, whispered moistly and softly in my ear, “I am Satisfied… ish.”

 

There should be a marker somewhere, maybe even a monument, made of marble, to honor the contributions of Ish;

something like the Washington Monument would do.

Well, maybe not that big, and, maybe, not that monumental but surely, you know, well…

Washington Monument-ish. 

Filed Under: All, Rants & Raves, Rhymes & Poetry-ish Tagged With: , , , ,