Dumbest Ass on Earth Awarded To Curt Schilling

October 15, 2015 by Leave a Comment

Satire-ish's Horse's Ass Award

 

 

Former major league pitcher and ESPN Sports Analyst Curt Schilling has won this year’s coveted Dumbest Ass on Earth Award. An emotionally charged Schilling told this reporter, “I am humbled. Finally, at long last, I am getting the national recognition I deserve.”

 

In November of 2014, according to a CNN report, Schilling said, during a Boston radio broadcast, that the only reason he has not been elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame, “Is because I am a Republican.” Millions of Republicans tweeted that Schilling could never say anything more stupid than that. They were wrong.

Schilling was suspended by ESPN after he tweeted: “It’s said that only 5-10% of Muslims are extremists. In 1940, only 7% of Germans were Nazis. How’d that go?”

While still under suspension, yesterday, after the 1st Democratic Presidential Debate, Schilling tweeted that, “ISIS was the real winner of the debate.” An hour later, Schilling admitted he had neither watched, nor listened, to the debate. No one was surprised.

Fellow contenders for Dumbest Ass on Earth screamed “fowl” arguing that Schilling only said this to prove, beyond any reasonable doubt, that he was the most deserving of all the Asses nominated.

Upon accepting the award, Schilling boasted proudly, “Look at my body of work. My whole life everything I have ever said has prepared me to be deserving of this honor.”  None in attendance disagreed.

Others nominated, this year, for Dumbest Ass on Earth, earning Honorable Mention, included:

1. Rep. Todd Akin (Missouri) for his misogynist stance against abortion stating that “In cases of legitimate rape… a woman’s body will block an unwanted pregnancy.”

2. Rand Paul: “Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be ‘constitutional’ does not make it so.”

3. Ben Carson, brain surgeon and Presidential candidate: “ObamaCare is the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery.”  His comment led many voters to conclude that, perhaps, brain surgery isn’t brain surgery.

4. Rick Santorum’s statement that rape victims ought not have a right to an abortion: “Accept what God has given to you… rape victims should make the best of a bad situation.”

5. Donald Trump “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best… They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.” Trump is still a contender for the Often Wrong, Never In Doubt Award.

6. Bernie Sanders: “I am, absolutely, in favor of gun control but I have consistently voted against it.”  Upon hearing this, Secretary of State John Kerry (famous for his, “I voted for it before I voted against it.”) lamented, “I wish I had said that.”

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NFL COMMISSIONER SUFFERED BRAIN-ECTOMY BEFORE SAYING KNOCKING WIFE UNCONSCIOUS NOT OKAY WHENEVER “INSTANT REPLAY” VIDEO AVAILABLE

September 10, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Goodell, The Human Weathervane

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Following up on our story of July, 2013 (nominating Goodell for Horse’s Ass of The Year) and the hell that has broken loose since Roger Goodell suspended player Ray Rice for two games for knocking his fiancé  unconscious, we can now report that surgeon Dr. Oops has, today, publicly apologized for inadvertently removing NFL Commissioner Goodell’s brain, last year, during what had been scheduled as minor surgery to remove the Commissioner’s foot from his mouth.

Dr. Oops compared Goodell’s unfortunate brain-ectomy to a tonsillectomy, stating, “Fortunately, Goodell won’t miss his brain because, like most politicians, he hardly uses it.”

To prove his point that Goodell is doing just fine, Dr. Oops referenced some recent Goodell decisions (occurring both before and after his brain-ectomy):

1. This July, Goodell announced his “Zero Tolerance” for players’ on-field use of racial slurs or abusive language relating to sexual orientation. Goodell said, “Such conduct will not be tolerated in the NFL.”  Penalty to be imposed: 15-yards.

2.Smoke two joints: Penalty: Suspension for one year.

3.Under Goodell’s New Domestic Violence Policy, knock your wife unconscious without video evidence confirming same: never happened (no penalty).

4.Knock someone else’s wife, or fiancé, unconscious with, or without, video confirmation: no penalty (“Since the victim ain’t a wife, fiancé, or partner,” Goodell explained gleefully, “such conduct fails to fall within NFL’s strict definition of Domestic Violence”).

Goodell, the Human Weathervane

Dr. Oops did admit, during his press conference, that he alone is solely responsible for Goodell failing to ask the Atlantic City casino for a copy of the in-elevator video footage of Ray Rice knocking his fiancé unconscious after Goodell viewed the video of Rice dragging his unconscious fiancé out of the elevator. “Let’s be honest,” Oops said, “only someone without a brain would fail to do that.”

In a related story, Commissioner Goodell announced, today, that he is suspending himself indefinitely for “conduct unbecoming to the NFL and human beings everywhere.”  Goodell added, “During my suspension, which may well last until the heat gets out of the kitchen, or until I say, or do, something not patently offensive to women or Native Americans. I will continue, of course, to receive my $44 million annual salary, as my team owners love the job I’m doing.”

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In a Bold Move Obama Hits Putin Where It Hurts

May 6, 2014 by 4 Comments

Mulling Their OptionsIn retaliation for Vladimir Putin’s March 28th annexation of Crimea and threats to annex all of Eastern Ukraine, President Obama has moved quickly and decisively to punish the Russian President.

According to a May 5th New York Times article, Obama has pressured the top executives of PepsiCo, Morgan Stanley, and Alcoa to cancel plans to attend a party, in St Petersburg, hosted by Putin.  In a related story, the President has sent 10,000 federal troops to surround The Russian Tea Room in Manhattan and has encouraged his Cabinet members to abstain from eating Russian Dressing.

The immediate economic impact of these surgical strikes on the Russian economy is still being determined by the Office of Budget & Management, however, in an apparent act of reconciliation and contrition, according to not too reliable White House sources, Putin has sent a hand-written note to Obama promising to cancel plans to annex Detroit, Michigan and Camden, New Jersey.

“As much as we consider the annexation of Detroit and Camden as an immediate way to increase the mean income of the Russian people,” Putin wrote, “We will forego these plans if you allow PepsiCo to attend my party.”

The mood, today, has lightened dramatically at the White House, as the economic noose tightens around the Russian President.  Obama was quoted, screaming defiantly, from the Oval Office, “Let them drink Coke.  We’ll see how long they can hold out.”

In an unrelated story, President Obama’s approval rating has fallen further into single digits; and now rests between Comcast and liver cancer.

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CHRISTIE SAYS SHUT-UP TO 3 YEAR-OLD & Taps Putin

February 23, 2014 by 2 Comments

 

Chris Christy Bullies Three Year-Old

Chris Christy Bullies Three Year-Old

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This morning, in a desperate attempt to restore his increasingly damaged image from “Bridgegate”, Governor Chris Christie met with angry and undecided voters in Fort Lee, New Jersey. When told she would not vote for him because he was a “schoolyard bully”, Christie interrupted the three year-old and told her to “Shut-up”. Later, Christie explained his outburst as follows, “I never took any shit from three year-olds when I was teenager, and I see no reason to start now.”

 

Hang Down Your Head Chris Christie, Hang Down Your Head And Cry

Hang Down Your Head Chris Christie, Hang Down Your Head And Cry

In an unrelated story, a cell-phone video recorded Christie saying, ” I’d be honored to run for President of The United States on the same ticket with Vladimir Putin. I admire his in-your-face, New Jersey style, take-no-prisoners attitude. While I continue to deny any responsibility for shutting down the George Washington Bridge, I admit, now, it would have sent a much clearer message, to Democrats and all my enemies, to simply beat them with horse-whips.  And, yes, I confirm rumors that I requested, from Russian President Putin, a plane-load of Cossacks, who will join my administration upon arrival.”

Putting his verbal attack on the three year-old child and comments about Putin in a more favorable context, a spokesperson for Governor Christie said, “The Governor, as always, consistently and adamantly takes no responsibility for what goes in, or comes out of, his mouth.”

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Homophobe Refuses to Tip Server Gets Surprise Tweet From God

November 18, 2013 by 3 Comments

Credit Card Invoice

 

 

 

 

Last week Dayna Morales, a former Marine and current waitress at a Bridgewater, NJ restaurant, shared an incident on Facebook’s Have a Gay Day Page.  Dayna presented a $93 dinner tab to Mom, Pop and their two young children. Mom, later identified as Mrs. Bigot, wrote on her credit card Invoice, in lieu of a tip,

“Sorry I cannot tip because I do not agree with your lifestyle & the way you live your life.”

Satire-ish.com caught up with the Bigots’ and interviewed Mom.

Satire-ish.com: Must be exhausting deciding how much to tip based on the status, appearance, or lifestyle, of your server?

Mrs. Bigot: It is. We used to tip 8% for excellent service, but, you know, the math was tricky and, frankly, expensive. Now, we just Eyeball our server. We’ve been lucky. We always find a reason to hate.

Satire-ish.com: Did you know that over 15,000 people have expressed support for the woman you refused to tip?

Mrs. Bigot: Yea, I was shocked to read that. Don’t know what’s happening in this country. It’s getting to be a Bigot isn’t safe speaking their mind anymore. What’s going to happen to us? I mean, yesterday, I got a Tweet from God. God used almost the same words I used with that waitress. I printed it out. I’ll read it to you. God tweeted this:

“Sorry I cannot let the Bigots into Heaven because I do not agree with the way they live their lives.”

 

Later, we asked God to elaborate. God texted the following to us:

“Going to Church is not a ticket to Heaven. Tell your readers God said no one is getting into Heaven who does not object to every joke that begins with, ‘This Polish guy walks up to two Jews in a bowling alley…’, or ‘Two fags walk up to a priest…,’ or “This drunk Irishman walks into a bar…’, or …  Damn, damn, damn. It’s too wordy. Here’s my Rule:

‘The Pearly Gates to Heaven are closed to anybody who acts like they are better than someone else.  That’ll work.”

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Barneys CEO Shocked By Barneys “Guilty While Shopping Black” Policy

October 30, 2013 by Leave a Comment

BARNEYS CEOJust when we all have come so far, getting along so, so well together, in this post racial Kumbaya society,  we discover that New York City’s iconic department store retailer – good old Barneys – has been enforcing a policy of “Guilty while shopping Black“.  At a hastily arranged press conference, Barneys‘ CEO, Mark Lee, quickly gathered together as many influential African Americans as he could on such short notice, to announce, “We, at Barneys, are as color-blind as white folks like me can be.”

Barneys‘ CEO Lee later told Satire-ish.com’s Inna Fakina that, “Some of my very, very best friends – well, maybe, just casual contacts –  are African Americans; others, less affluent, are Negro, and a few – those receiving food stamps or Medicare – are indeed Colored but in a very, very good  and decent way; and all are welcome, this upcoming holiday season, to shop at Barneys without being harassed or racially profiled as they might be at Macy’s or Saks Fifth Avenue.”

Lee categorically denied stories, reported in the New York Times, and elsewhere, that Barneys’ African American customers have been singled out for, as the Rev. Al Sharpton described, Shop & Frisk policies.

“At Barneys, cash is, and always has been, King,” said CEO Lee. “And speaking of Kings… I, like Martin Luther King, Jr., also have a dream that we may look forward to the day when we all may be judged simply by the content of our character. But until that day comes, we will continue to muddle along, in our imperfect way, trying to distinguish between those who come to Barneys to shop and those who come to Barneys to shoplift with the assistance of the always racially neutral New York Police Department.”

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al Qaeda Declares “Mission Accomplished” And Sends Thank-You Note To U.S. Congress

October 1, 2013 by 6 Comments

US_vs_al_Qaeda_Terrorism

 

In shocking news, with ramifications to financial markets around the globe, al Qaeda today announced “Mission Accomplished” in its obsessive quest to destroy the United States.  “We did it,” an al Qaeda spokesperson said today, with tears of joy in his eyes, “but we must acknowledge that we couldn’t have brought down this once world power without the aid, support, and assistance of the U.S. Congress. The Congress has worked tirelessly to destroy itself and the United States. To the Tea Party, we will always be especially grateful.”

 

 

 

In a brief announcement, from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Al Qaeda could never destroy the United States.  It always lacked the willpower, the single-minded determination, and resources necessary to bring down this great, great nation.  Only Americans, with single digit I.Q.’s and an infant’s grasp of worldwide financial consequences, could have pulled this off.  In the end, al Qaeda realized, at its highest levels of command, that only Americans could destroy America.”

 

Michele BachmannWhen told that al Qaeda singled her out for special thanks, U.S. House Representative Michele Bachmann, with her usual uniquely keen grasp of the issues, told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer,  “When I was a little girl, my daddy told me that we were better off ‘Red than Dead’, and today I tell you, Wolf, that we are better off Dead than Alive with every American saddled with health care.”

“Who knew,” said the al Qaeda spokesperson, “that good old Americans, like Michele Bachman, were our greatest deeply embedded weapons.”

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Surveyed Catholics Believe Pope’s Mandate To ‘Love Thy Neighbor’ More Surprising Than Lou Gehrig Dying From Lou Gehrig’s Disease

September 25, 2013 by Leave a Comment

pope_francisAfter Pope Francis called, this week, for a more inclusive Church, a bigger tent – “a home for all”, 1.2 Billion shocked Roman Catholics tweeted “WTF?” to the new Pontiff.

One tweeter, from Tupelo, Mississippi, Beauregard Ooopson, raised questions on the lips of Roman Catholics around the world. “Love Thy Neighbor? Pope Francis wants me to love my neighbor. Mister, have you seen my neighbors? Mostly funny looking people, oddly dressed, born in countries I’ve never heard of. Never knew people came in so many shades of brown and yellow.”

Mrs. Ooopson, interrupted her husband, reminding him, “Darling, honey, tell this here reporter ’bout the women we see in this town buying bagfuls of contraceptives at the checkout counter at Walmart like they was buying chewing gum. And tell him ’bout them women we see keeping company with other women – as if the men in this county ain’t good enough for them. Now just last Sunday, from the pulpit, I was told that Jesus himself frowns upon such peculiar conduct. But today, today, I’m asked, ‘Who are you to judge another human being?’ This here, new Pope Francis says we’re obsessed in our Church with abortion, contraception and opposition to gay marriage. Well, what does his Holiness want us to be for, to be about, if not the things, and people, that we are against that unite all of us?”

Another tweeter, from Cambridge, Massachussets, a tenured Harvard professor, said, “Pope Francis argues we’re at risk of creating a small nest ‘protecting our mediocrity’. What’s suddenly wrong with small nests and fences? Why bother building fences if there’s nobody to keep out.”

Back in Rome, Pope Francis knelt in prayer and asked his heavenly Father to explain, “Why is it so much easier to say “them” than “we“, to be against than for?”

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Obama & Putin Agree to Couples Counseling

September 5, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Obama Putin Agree To Couples Counseling

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia – At the G20 Summit, today, Presidents Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin announced they have agreed to submit immediately to Couples Counseling.

While both leaders point to “irreconcilable differences”, Putin said, “Counseling is our last chance to avoid an ugly, tear-filled scene quarreling over whether to “bomb the shit out of Syria” or simply to kick the chemical weapons “red line” down the road a bit.”

According to a story by Peter Baker, appearing in today’s NYTimes, “… Mr. Obama acknowledged that ‘we’ve kind of hit a wall’ in relations and “… we should …not sugarcoat them.'”

Couples Counselors R USCommenting on the announcement, close friends of the Super-Couple are thrilled but expressed shock and awe that Obama and Putin have selected Bill Clinton and disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner to mediate their relationship issues.

When asked to comment, Mr. Obama shouted to the crowd of assembled reporters, as he and Putin took off, hand-in-hand, down a secluded garden path, “Clinton and Weiner have both demonstrated magical, manipulative powers at saving their own marriages that seemed, to most, beyond hope. Puttie and I are confident they can save us from each other.”

As the world’s most powerful couple exited, this reporter overheard Putin whispering sofly in Obama’s hear,”Poisen shmoisen. Poisen shmoisen. Your baseball World Series starts soon in October, honey-bunch, and, believe me, nobody will remember where your red line used to be.”

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Spitzer Offers To Pay For Women’s Vote One Vote At A Time

September 4, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Weiner7- Real Men Commit AdultryResizedWith a week left in the New York race for Comptroller, candidate Elliot Spitzer, the dick-for-brains-wanna-be-mayor-oops-comptroller, tried a Kennedy-ish rhetorical appeal for the women’s vote:

“My Daddy said everyone has their price.  So, ask not what your city can do for this piece of shit, but ask rather what this piece of shit can do for you?  Am I not the same man who spent $80,000 a year on prostitutes, contributing to these young girl’s economic stability and upward mobility? Who better to chase the whores on Wall St. than a man who has spent his entire adult life spending daddy’s fortune chasing whores up and down the East Coast? 

Question from Reporter #1:  Why should we support your candidacy if your wife doesn’t?

I’m so glad you asked that question.  Were my wife here today would she not say that I am the same man who chose to not burden, nor bother, his wife with his primal urges, fantasies of mediocrity and other unmentionable sexual proclivities?  I have shoe-boxes full of receipts to prove how much I do not bother my wife.  Do you dare think I am not adored and loved by these women?

Audience: No, no, no !!!

No?  Well let me ask it this way: Compared to the other pieces of shit, who have embarrassed themselves running for political office, am I not a more educated, upper-crusted, entitled, son of wealthy real estate tycoon and more likeable guy than say Donald Trump?

Audience: No, no, no !!!

 Question from Reporter #2: Why should we elect a man who broke the laws he was elected to enforce?

Yes, I am humbled by that question; and, yes, I am a servant of the law even though I am well above the reach of the law that is enacted solely to keep the little people in their place, blah, blah, blah …  And, I hasten to add, I do not dye my hair, nor do I comb it over like some Zero Mostel-Donald Trump look alike.  And I will never, ever embarrass you by sexting my genitals to anyone as long as my wife continues to stand next to me, whenever my dick, acting sua esponte, on a frolic of its own, takes control of my life and my sacred honor.

And, in closing, if you are reading this speech please know that as I speak, great big, salty tears are rolling down my upper-class, chalky white cheeks — designed to show all the little people how god-damned sincere I am and to get them off their fat lower-class asses and to the poles next Tuesday to elect me again to a position of trust.  And if elected, I promise to screw you all.

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