Homophobe Refuses to Tip Server Gets Surprise Tweet From God

Credit Card Invoice

 

 

 

 

Last week Dayna Morales, a former Marine and current waitress at a Bridgewater, NJ restaurant, shared an incident on Facebook’s Have a Gay Day Page.  Dayna presented a $93 dinner tab to Mom, Pop and their two young children. Mom, later identified as Mrs. Bigot, wrote on her credit card Invoice, in lieu of a tip,

“Sorry I cannot tip because I do not agree with your lifestyle & the way you live your life.”

Satire-ish.com caught up with the Bigots’ and interviewed Mom.

Satire-ish.com: Must be exhausting deciding how much to tip based on the status, appearance, or lifestyle, of your server?

Mrs. Bigot: It is. We used to tip 8% for excellent service, but, you know, the math was tricky and, frankly, expensive. Now, we just Eyeball our server. We’ve been lucky. We always find a reason to hate.

Satire-ish.com: Did you know that over 15,000 people have expressed support for the woman you refused to tip?

Mrs. Bigot: Yea, I was shocked to read that. Don’t know what’s happening in this country. It’s getting to be a Bigot isn’t safe speaking their mind anymore. What’s going to happen to us? I mean, yesterday, I got a Tweet from God. God used almost the same words I used with that waitress. I printed it out. I’ll read it to you. God tweeted this:

“Sorry I cannot let the Bigots into Heaven because I do not agree with the way they live their lives.”

 

Later, we asked God to elaborate. God texted the following to us:

Going to Church is not a ticket to Heaven. Tell your readers God said no one is getting into Heaven who does not object to every joke that begins with, ‘This Polish guy walks up to two Jews in a bowling alley…’, or ‘Two fags walk up to a priest…,’ or “This drunk Irishman walks into a bar…’, or …  Damn, damn, damn. It’s too wordy. Here’s my Rule:

‘The Pearly Gates to Heaven are closed to anybody who acts like they are better than someone else.  That’ll work.”

In His Farewell, Pope Benedict Rebukes Timing of Cardinal Mahoney’s Autobiography, Pedophiles-R-Us

POPE BENEDICT  XVI

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI released the following statement:

Since announcing my retirement, scurrilous rumors have surfaced surrounding possible reasons for my stepping down from the papacy. I hereby deny a connection with Cardinal Mahoney being relieved of all duties last month because thousands of files were made public revealing the Cardinal’s conduct in protecting priests accused of sexually abusing minors. However, I am critical of the timing of the release of Cardinal Mahoney’s autobiography, Pedophiles-R-Us. That title shows a lack of sensitivity, and compassion for the real victims of this tragedy – those few members of the clergy who might have been wrongly accused of sexual misconduct but were nevertheless suddenly uprooted in the middle of the night and shipped off to other parishes, God-knows-where, around the world. My heart aches for them.

With only a few hours left in my papacy, I don’t wish to pull rank by reminding the world of my infallibility, but does Pedophiles-R-Us really tell the whole story of the modern Catholic Church?

I would hope not.

Let’s not forget that as Cardinal Ratzinger, I was solely responsible, in 2003 and 2004, for investigating some 3,000 cases of sexual abuse and formulating the Church’s response before I was kicked upstairs, in 2005, into the Isolation Booth of Infallibility. Was sexual abuse and cover-up systemic  and epidemic throughout the Church? And was the Pope’s office tainted by that abuse?

Well, I say now emphatically – while still cloaked with infallibility –  as I summarily concluded in 2004,

“I would hope not.”

Pope Benedict XVIAnd, please, let’s not dignify reports of blackmail and a powerful gay conclave within the Vatican. Shame, shame on the press.  Yes, I have seen pictures of priests, some dressed in drag, others performing gay sex acts.  But who hasn’t? The question is not whether these pictures exist but did they compel me to resign?  No, they did not. QED. So, let’s move on.

So what have we learned through all these scandals? I mean really, does anybody have any idea?  I’d like to know; I mean, really, I’d like, for once, to be in the loop.

To my flock, I say this: If we would all just stop using condoms and other means of contraception; if women everywhere would just resign themselves to their subservient position within the Church and society and return to the kitchen; and if all those pedophiles and homosexuals and lesbians would just stop-it, wouldn’t this be a better happier world?  Doesn’t anybody but me miss 1952?

Lastly, much has been made of the fact that no Pope has resigned the papacy for six centuries. I’m eighty-five years old.  I’m tired. Maybe the Church could use some new ideas, some new blood – dare I say it: some diversity – as we march into the 21st Century. Maybe, just maybe, the Church ought to clean house once every six centuries.

Well, I would hope not.

The 2012 Horse’s Ass Of The Year Award Goes To … The Envelope Please

Satire-ish's Horse's Ass Award

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Annually, the last week of December brings us a media bombardment of Lists – Best Books, Worst Dressed, Best Movies, Worst Wardrobe Malfunction (a must read for the pruriently creepy) and on and on. The final week of the year culminates with our annual award for Horse’s Ass Of The Year, which always makes us wonder, “Why are there so many more Horses’ Asses than there are horses?”

How to narrow down the competition? Surely Representative Todd Akin’s comments that women can’t get pregnant from “legitimate rape” qualified him a serious candidate. But there was an overwhelming negative response to his comments and he suffered consequences (Akin lost his 2012 bid to unseat Senator Claire McCaskill). So, we decided our Horse’s Ass had to go virtually unchallenged. And with that refinement, our Horse’s Ass soon became obvious.

chris-christie-at-wailing-wall - NYPost 4-3-12 (2)The picture accompanying this blog is a face-less portion of the larger picture that appeared in the New York Post’s April 3, 2012, issue, showing Governor Christie praying at Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall. The Post’s title: The Whale At The Wall. Under that it reads, “Christie weighs in at Israel holy site.” Our 2012 Horse’s Ass Of The Year winner, New York Post journalist Carl Campanile, wrote further that Governor Christie’s trip to Jerusalem made “a huge impression” and “brought his political heft” to the Western Wall.

Lest some miss the point, this is not about an attack from some liberal or other political enemy of Christie’s. No, Campanile and Christie are not political adversaries. In fact Campanile is a frequent writer of AntiObamaBlog.com.

Lest some miss the point, this is not about political correctness. To write, for example, that, “Our overweight Governor was seen praying at the Wailing Wall,” well, that would be politically incorrect — or not. Argue it either way. But no one pictured praying at one of the most sacred shrines on earth deserves to be described as “The Whale At The Wall.”

Are the obese really fair game for any vile commentary? And where is the outrage to Campanile’s banal attack?  Make no mistake about it, don’t respond to these kind of attacks and your silence will empower a bigot. A bigot? I don’t know. How angry, how hateful does one have to be to speak so disrespectfully of another human being. There is a kind of entitlement here to attack the obese; and it is ugly and it cannot exist unless one first devalues another human. In a different time, in a different context, Mark Twain wrote, “Man is the only animal that blushes or has a need to.” It is difficult to believe that Twain did not have the likes of Campanile in mind when he wrote those words. Carl Campanile is our well deserved choice for Horse’s Ass of The Year. What say you, America?*

* And, Mr. Campanile, should you want the world to know you are not responsible for any portion of the April 3, 2012, New York Post article that appeared under your byline, feel free to use the comment section below to tell the world.