While participating in the B’nai B’rith’s Mensches-Of-The-Year Vatican Tour through the Sistine Chapel, Marvin Finklestein was whisked away by order of the 115 Cardinals who have gathered to elect the next Pope. According to Giancarlo Giancarlo, XXIII, Head of Vatican Security, Finklestein, a Teaneck, New Jersey, gym teacher, has emerged as the favorite to succeed Pope Benedict XVI after virtually all of the conclave’s Cardinals have been eliminated from contention.
Explaining Finklestein’s sudden emergence as a papal candidate, Giancarlo Giancarlo referred to a secret report, prepared by Vatican Mathematician Emeritus, Doo Ing DeMath. The DeMath Report acknowledged that finding a pope among the 115 Cardinals was proving “problematic” and referred to a 1993 BBC broadcast, seen by 90 million viewers, where Cardinal Jose Sanchez, then Prefect of the Vatican Congregation for the Clergy, confirmed that between 45 and 50 percent of Catholic priests were sexually active. The DeMath Report concluded, “If half the conclave is sexually active, we must eliminate half the Cardinals as papal candidates. But which half? Since both halves are under suspicion, we are logically, and sadly, left with no candidates.”
Doo Ing DeMath refused to comment on his secret memo, but a left-handed spokesperson from DeMath’s office, with a small heart-shaped mole above his left eye, who requested anonymity said, “The numbers aren’t there. Sure. Any Roman Catholic male qualifies, but no one has been elected pope who wasn’t from the College of Cardinals since 1379.”
While the Cardinals were debating the merits of the DeMath Report and whether anyone was left untainted by sexual abuse or activity, Finklestein stumbled into the conclave thinking he had discovered a shortcut to the Men’s Room. Finklestein was quickly overtaken and questioned by Vatican Security as his candidacy soon snowballed. The Cardinals were inspired by a statement released by Sheila Finklestein, Marvin’s wife of twenty-eight years, stating that her husband has not been sexually active “since Christ was Bar Mitzvahed.” Support further swelled for the Teaneck, New Jersey gym teach when a lie-detector test confirmed that Finklestein never was an altar boy, has never known an altar boy, and, most amazingly, has never spent sleepless nights fantasizing about altar boys. While most Cardinals agreed that such conduct was “frankly unimaginable”, they think they have their man.
