Teaneck, New Jersey’s Marvin Finklestein On Conclave’s Short-List For Pope

ConglaveWhile participating in the B’nai B’rith’s Mensches-Of-The-Year Vatican Tour through the Sistine Chapel, Marvin Finklestein was whisked away by order of the 115 Cardinals who have gathered to elect the next Pope. According to Giancarlo Giancarlo, XXIII, Head of Vatican Security, Finklestein, a Teaneck, New Jersey, gym teacher, has emerged as the favorite to succeed Pope Benedict XVI after virtually all of the conclave’s Cardinals have been eliminated from contention.

Explaining Finklestein’s sudden emergence as a papal candidate, Giancarlo Giancarlo referred to a secret report, prepared by Vatican Mathematician Emeritus, Doo Ing DeMath. The DeMath Report acknowledged that finding a pope among  the 115 Cardinals was proving “problematic” and referred to a 1993 BBC broadcast, seen by 90 million viewers, where Cardinal Jose Sanchez, then Prefect of the Vatican Congregation for the Clergy, confirmed that between 45 and 50 percent of Catholic priests were sexually active. The DeMath Report concluded, “If half the conclave is sexually active, we must eliminate half the Cardinals as papal candidates.  But which half?  Since both halves are under suspicion, we are logically, and sadly, left with no candidates.”

Doo Ing DeMath refused to comment on his secret memo, but a left-handed spokesperson from DeMath’s office, with a small heart-shaped mole above his left eye, who requested anonymity said, “The numbers aren’t there. Sure. Any Roman Catholic male qualifies, but no one has been elected pope who wasn’t from the College of Cardinals since 1379.”

Papal MarchWhile the Cardinals were debating the merits of the DeMath Report and whether anyone was left untainted by sexual abuse or activity, Finklestein stumbled into the conclave thinking he had discovered a shortcut to the Men’s Room. Finklestein was quickly overtaken and questioned by Vatican Security as his candidacy soon snowballed.  The Cardinals were inspired by a statement released by Sheila Finklestein, Marvin’s wife of twenty-eight years, stating that her husband has not been sexually active “since Christ was Bar Mitzvahed.”  Support further swelled for the Teaneck, New Jersey gym teach when a lie-detector test confirmed that Finklestein never was an altar boy, has never known an altar boy, and, most amazingly, has never spent sleepless nights fantasizing about altar boys. While most Cardinals agreed that such conduct was “frankly unimaginable”, they think they have their man.


In His Farewell, Pope Benedict Rebukes Timing of Cardinal Mahoney’s Autobiography, Pedophiles-R-Us













A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI released the following statement:

Since announcing my retirement, scurrilous rumors have surfaced surrounding possible reasons for my stepping down from the papacy. I hereby deny a connection with Cardinal Mahoney being relieved of all duties last month because thousands of files were made public revealing the Cardinal’s conduct in protecting priests accused of sexually abusing minors. However, I am critical of the timing of the release of Cardinal Mahoney’s autobiography, Pedophiles-R-Us. That title shows a lack of sensitivity, and compassion for the real victims of this tragedy – those few members of the clergy who might have been wrongly accused of sexual misconduct but were nevertheless suddenly uprooted in the middle of the night and shipped off to other parishes, God-knows-where, around the world. My heart aches for them.

With only a few hours left in my papacy, I don’t wish to pull rank by reminding the world of my infallibility, but does Pedophiles-R-Us really tell the whole story of the modern Catholic Church?

I would hope not.

Let’s not forget that as Cardinal Ratzinger, I was solely responsible, in 2003 and 2004, for investigating some 3,000 cases of sexual abuse and formulating the Church’s response before I was kicked upstairs, in 2005, into the Isolation Booth of Infallibility. Was sexual abuse and cover-up systemic  and epidemic throughout the Church? And was the Pope’s office tainted by that abuse?

Well, I say now emphatically – while still cloaked with infallibility –  as I summarily concluded in 2004,

“I would hope not.”

Pope Benedict XVIAnd, please, let’s not dignify reports of blackmail and a powerful gay conclave within the Vatican. Shame, shame on the press.  Yes, I have seen pictures of priests, some dressed in drag, others performing gay sex acts.  But who hasn’t? The question is not whether these pictures exist but did they compel me to resign?  No, they did not. QED. So, let’s move on.

So what have we learned through all these scandals? I mean really, does anybody have any idea?  I’d like to know; I mean, really, I’d like, for once, to be in the loop.

To my flock, I say this: If we would all just stop using condoms and other means of contraception; if women everywhere would just resign themselves to their subservient position within the Church and society and return to the kitchen; and if all those pedophiles and homosexuals and lesbians would just stop-it, wouldn’t this be a better happier world?  Doesn’t anybody but me miss 1952?

Lastly, much has been made of the fact that no Pope has resigned the papacy for six centuries. I’m eighty-five years old.  I’m tired. Maybe the Church could use some new ideas, some new blood – dare I say it: some diversity – as we march into the 21st Century. Maybe, just maybe, the Church ought to clean house once every six centuries.

Well, I would hope not.