Goodell, The Human Weathervane











Following up on our story of July, 2013 (nominating Goodell for Horse’s Ass of The Year) and the hell that has broken loose since Roger Goodell suspended player Ray Rice for two games for knocking his fiancé  unconscious, we can now report that surgeon Dr. Oops has, today, publicly apologized for inadvertently removing NFL Commissioner Goodell’s brain, last year, during what had been scheduled as minor surgery to remove the Commissioner’s foot from his mouth.

Dr. Oops compared Goodell’s unfortunate brain-ectomy to a tonsillectomy, stating, “Fortunately, Goodell won’t miss his brain because, like most politicians, he hardly uses it.”

To prove his point that Goodell is doing just fine, Dr. Oops referenced some recent Goodell decisions (occurring both before and after his brain-ectomy):

1. This July, Goodell announced his “Zero Tolerance” for players’ on-field use of racial slurs or abusive language relating to sexual orientation. Goodell said, “Such conduct will not be tolerated in the NFL.”  Penalty to be imposed: 15-yards.

2.Smoke two joints: Penalty: Suspension for one year.

3.Under Goodell’s New Domestic Violence Policy, knock your wife unconscious without video evidence confirming same: never happened (no penalty).

4.Knock someone else’s wife, or fiancé, unconscious with, or without, video confirmation: no penalty (“Since the victim ain’t a wife, fiancé, or partner,” Goodell explained gleefully, “such conduct fails to fall within NFL’s strict definition of Domestic Violence”).

Goodell, the Human Weathervane

Dr. Oops did admit, during his press conference, that he alone is solely responsible for Goodell failing to ask the Atlantic City casino for a copy of the in-elevator video footage of Ray Rice knocking his fiancé unconscious after Goodell viewed the video of Rice dragging his unconscious fiancé out of the elevator. “Let’s be honest,” Oops said, “only someone without a brain would fail to do that.”

In a related story, Commissioner Goodell announced, today, that he is suspending himself indefinitely for “conduct unbecoming to the NFL and human beings everywhere.”  Goodell added, “During my suspension, which may well last until the heat gets out of the kitchen, or until I say, or do, something not patently offensive to women or Native Americans. I will continue, of course, to receive my $44 million annual salary, as my team owners love the job I’m doing.”

al Qaeda Declares “Mission Accomplished” And Sends Thank-You Note To U.S. Congress



In shocking news, with ramifications to financial markets around the globe, al Qaeda today announced “Mission Accomplished” in its obsessive quest to destroy the United States.  “We did it,” an al Qaeda spokesperson said today, with tears of joy in his eyes, “but we must acknowledge that we couldn’t have brought down this once world power without the aid, support, and assistance of the U.S. Congress. The Congress has worked tirelessly to destroy itself and the United States. To the Tea Party, we will always be especially grateful.”




In a brief announcement, from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Al Qaeda could never destroy the United States.  It always lacked the willpower, the single-minded determination, and resources necessary to bring down this great, great nation.  Only Americans, with single digit I.Q.’s and an infant’s grasp of worldwide financial consequences, could have pulled this off.  In the end, al Qaeda realized, at its highest levels of command, that only Americans could destroy America.”


Michele BachmannWhen told that al Qaeda singled her out for special thanks, U.S. House Representative Michele Bachmann, with her usual uniquely keen grasp of the issues, told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer,  “When I was a little girl, my daddy told me that we were better off ‘Red than Dead’, and today I tell you, Wolf, that we are better off Dead than Alive with every American saddled with health care.”

“Who knew,” said the al Qaeda spokesperson, “that good old Americans, like Michele Bachman, were our greatest deeply embedded weapons.”

Shoot The Messenger

Shoot The Messenger










A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

Three cheers for Coca-Cola for responding to this year’s College SAT bonus question: Which cola company is to obesity what cigarettes are to lung cancer. Coke, in an act of corporate courage, has taken the lead in the fight against obesity. The company has removed high fiber corn syrup (HFCS) from its entire line of beverages. Well, no they haven’t done that.  No way, but they have produced a really cool two-minute video message stating we should all “Come Together” in the fight against obesity.

And if coming together is the goal, Coke is doing its part in getting kids and teens to come together — in doctor’s offices and hospital emergency wards everywhere — as obesity among children, according to the American Heart Association,  “… is causing a broad range of health problems that previously weren’t seen until adulthood. These include high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes and elevated blood cholesterol levels…. Today, about one in three American kids and teens is overweight or obese, nearly triple the rate in 1963.”

Mark Bittman, a New York Times food columnist, in an Opinion Page – – wrote, quoting Rob Lustig, a pediatric endocrinologist at the University of California, “Different calories have different metabolic fates in the body. Those from fructose overwhelm the liver, forcing the pancreas to make more insulin and driving more energy into fat cells. And soda is nothing but a fructose delivery system.” And Researchers from the University of Oxford and the University of Southern California found, specifically, that the Type 2 diabetes prevalence was 20 percent higher in countries where the food supplies contained HFCS.

But, thank God, here comes Coke, unblushingly, to the rescue revealing its solution in its two-minute feel-good video. Instead of reducing or eliminating the amount of HFCS in each can, Coke intends to offer its caffeine and HFCS infused products in smaller cans – we will kill you, but it’s gonna take a bit little longer.

colasCoke denies that HFCS is harmful or that caffeine is addictive. Is Coca-Cola harmful to your health? Coke doesn’t know. But we know this: Drinking or touching Coca-Cola can be very harmful to your health. Why? Because Coca-Cola is really unlucky. Coke does not cause osteoporosis or bone mineral loss, but women who drink Coke are more likely, studies have shown, to get osteoporosis and suffer bone mineral loss. And Coke doesn’t cause type 2 diabetes or obesity. No way, but those that drink Coke are just unlucky. And you don’t want to hear about how unlucky union officials at Coke bottling plants in Columbia and elsewhere in South America are. Read what poet Martin Espada has to say about it at: –  and you thought Mean Joe Greene was nasty.

On Gun Control Biden Promises To Get It Done, Not Get It Right

Mr. VP, Where's The Men's Room?









A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

VP Biden confirmed today that President Obama rejected spending months on a comprehensive gun control plan because he wants to strike while the iron is hot.  Biden said, “I asked Michelle what she thought her husband meant by that and she said he wants to act now while there’s a ‘tight window of opportunity’. Next week I will deliver a hot iron through a tight window. In Washington, when you can’t get it right, get it done.”

Biden continued, “Our task force has one week to find a way to keep guns out of the hands of criminals.” Biden favors language in any proposed legislation that would deny weapon ownership to anyone who has ever received a doctor’s prescription for antidepressants.” Biden acknowledged that this might eliminate a substantial portion of Americans from owning weapons. Biden added, “I’m just spit-balling here – with no silver bullet – but, you know, if we also prohibit the obese from owning guns, we would virtually eliminate gun ownership in this country. When asked if he agreed that such a proposal seemed half-baked at best, Biden said the Congress and the White House have a tradition of implementing half-baked ideas. “Repeat after me,” Biden chanted, “When it must be done now, getting it right is not an option.”

California’s Senator Barbara Boxer, who has been drafting gun control legislation for almost three decades was given thirty seconds to address the task force. She supports $50 million federal funding for schools to hire police officers and install surveillance equipment. But Biden opposes an NRA initiative to have every school equipped with private drones that explode when wires are tripped in school hallways or unattended bathrooms to deter strangers from entering schools, however, Biden admitted that such a plan would probably deter students from smoking in school hallways or bathrooms.

In today’s fiscal climate, a reporter asked whether a Republican controlled House would support massive federal funding for schools to get armed guards and surveillance equipment and expanding mental health services? “Of course not,” Biden acknowledged. “But we will get a bill to the president this week while the window is hot, and you can quote me on that.”

Biden could not explain the logic of always passing legislation in a panicked, emergency environment, but he did defend it.  “That’s how we do things in Washington. When you don’t have the votes to get it right, get it the hell off the front pages. Look at Healthcare. Forty million Americans without healthcare and most of them were against it. What a mess, but we got it done. Check the box and move on.  Did we fall off the Fiscal Cliff?  No way. Did we accomplish anything of value?  No way.  Look at our embassies. We had a security crisis at several of our embassies abroad and Congress acted immediately – well, after two years of hearings – by implementing a plan – not a comprehensive plan, not a good plan – but some good old-fashioned bi-partisan, under-funded sausage that ought to make you proud to be an American. Well, maybe this isn’t the best example.”

In a related story, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today he would be introducing legislation, modeled after the “overwhelming success of the Fiscal Cliff scenario,” that would give Congress a sixty-day deadline to pass comprehensive gun control legislation.”  Boehner said, “But here’s the really neat part: The bill further provides that if Congress misses the sixty day deadline, the government must immediately deliver twenty assault weapons and five thousand rounds of ammunition to anyone convicted of a felony.”

VP Biden said he, “loves deadlines” and once again is looking forward to working with Boehner and  Congress.

The 2012 Horse’s Ass Of The Year Award Goes To … The Envelope Please

Satire-ish's Horse's Ass Award











Annually, the last week of December brings us a media bombardment of Lists – Best Books, Worst Dressed, Best Movies, Worst Wardrobe Malfunction (a must read for the pruriently creepy) and on and on. The final week of the year culminates with our annual award for Horse’s Ass Of The Year, which always makes us wonder, “Why are there so many more Horses’ Asses than there are horses?”

How to narrow down the competition? Surely Representative Todd Akin’s comments that women can’t get pregnant from “legitimate rape” qualified him a serious candidate. But there was an overwhelming negative response to his comments and he suffered consequences (Akin lost his 2012 bid to unseat Senator Claire McCaskill). So, we decided our Horse’s Ass had to go virtually unchallenged. And with that refinement, our Horse’s Ass soon became obvious.

chris-christie-at-wailing-wall - NYPost 4-3-12 (2)The picture accompanying this blog is a face-less portion of the larger picture that appeared in the New York Post’s April 3, 2012, issue, showing Governor Christie praying at Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall. The Post’s title: The Whale At The Wall. Under that it reads, “Christie weighs in at Israel holy site.” Our 2012 Horse’s Ass Of The Year winner, New York Post journalist Carl Campanile, wrote further that Governor Christie’s trip to Jerusalem made “a huge impression” and “brought his political heft” to the Western Wall.

Lest some miss the point, this is not about an attack from some liberal or other political enemy of Christie’s. No, Campanile and Christie are not political adversaries. In fact Campanile is a frequent writer of

Lest some miss the point, this is not about political correctness. To write, for example, that, “Our overweight Governor was seen praying at the Wailing Wall,” well, that would be politically incorrect — or not. Argue it either way. But no one pictured praying at one of the most sacred shrines on earth deserves to be described as “The Whale At The Wall.”

Are the obese really fair game for any vile commentary? And where is the outrage to Campanile’s banal attack?  Make no mistake about it, don’t respond to these kind of attacks and your silence will empower a bigot. A bigot? I don’t know. How angry, how hateful does one have to be to speak so disrespectfully of another human being. There is a kind of entitlement here to attack the obese; and it is ugly and it cannot exist unless one first devalues another human. In a different time, in a different context, Mark Twain wrote, “Man is the only animal that blushes or has a need to.” It is difficult to believe that Twain did not have the likes of Campanile in mind when he wrote those words. Carl Campanile is our well deserved choice for Horse’s Ass of The Year. What say you, America?*

* And, Mr. Campanile, should you want the world to know you are not responsible for any portion of the April 3, 2012, New York Post article that appeared under your byline, feel free to use the comment section below to tell the world.

When The World Ends Today What Happens to the Fiscal Cliff

Boehner at Press Conference


House Speaker Boehner, concerned about the Mayan apocalypse, scheduled to end life on earth today, met earlier this morning at the White House, with President Obama to discuss how the destruction of earth might further delay negotiations to avoid the fiscal cliff.

Later, at a hastily arranged press conference Speaker Boehner, said, “I have canvassed the 242 House Republicans and can share with my fellow Americans that a majority of House Republicans believe with 99% certainty that the world will end today. To put the seriousness of this matter in context, three times as many Republicans believe the world will end today than believe in global warming.  In light of this development, I met with President Obama to discuss what the impact might be on the economy should we go over the Fiscal Cliff after the earth is destroyed. The President, I am sorry to report, refuses to take my concerns seriously, but I should let President Obama speak for himself.”

A weary Obama took the podium and read a brief statement: “The Speaker, believing the world will end today, wants to postpone negotiations on the Fiscal Cliff until after the earth is destroyed.  In a related matter, the Speaker also advised me that since the world was coming to an end today, the Republican Caucus is now prepared to stand up to the National Rifle Association and consider legislation intended to limit the distribution and sale of semi-automatic weapons.”

In response to a reporter’s question, Speaker Boehner said, “It is time to show courage and to do the right thing.” To symbolize that act of courage, Boehner tore up his NRA membership card in front of a shocked audience of reporters.  When told later by his administrative aide there was a chance in a million, just a very, very small chance, that the world might not end today, the Speaker was seen crawling around the then empty stage picking up pieces of his membership card muttering to himself, “That’s why I don’t believe anything scientists say. They don’t agree on anything. Smoke, don’t smoke; eat eggs, don’t eat eggs; butter is better than lard; everyone I know knows the world will end today but Senator Kerry told me yesterday that nobody is going anywhere until he is nominated to be the next Secretary of State.”

This Thanksgiving Thank God Jill Kelley is Not Your Next-Door Neighbor

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:  

If God has time to entertain all my Wishes, including striking anyone down who dares to start a 2016 presidential campaign before November of 2016, then this Thanksgiving I :

  1. Thank God Jill Kelley is not my next-door neighbor because I don’t want my emails and topless photos of me being boxed up, carted out of my house, and combed over by thousands of FBI agents in hot pursuit of some federal crime I might have committed in the social intercourse of leaning over the boundary bush and being neighborly with good old social climbing Jill.
  2. Thank God my name is not General Petraeus, not General Allen, not General Motors, not General Foods, not General anything cause this Kelley woman never met a General she didn’t chase after and bring down.
  3. Thank God the war in Afghanistan has been going on for so many years that not one American soldier is at risk of death or injury in that country so our commanding officer has nothing else to do all day but write 30,000 emails to a Tampa socialite and swear, “I did not have sex with that woman.”  As if I never heard that line before; and if it’s true (this time), then:
  4. Thank God, I mean really Thank God, for the “chain of command” because somewhere, someplace, someone in authority, way, way down the chain of command – maybe a straight person or maybe a gay person no longer preoccupied with “don’t ask, don’t tell – is not thinking with his or her genitals in hand and is actually protecting this country from those who intend to do it great harm.
  5. And golly-gee God, most of all, thanks ever so much this Thanksgiving for giving us Americans this extraordinary Constitution and really swell form of government, that somehow survives and endures year after year even though so many of our elected and appointed leaders are driving around in government issued vehicles with their heads stuck up their asses, with one foot firmly on the throttle and one hand wrapped around a bottle of Viagra, wondering where and when the next really cool extra-marital thrill might be coming from before the blessed effects of “this here little blue pill wears off.”

Play the Pennsylvania Lottery All Day But “Play Responsibly.”

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

God bless Pennsylvania for giving us all a chance to support our families. “Good news, bad news,” the voice-over on the TV commercial warns, “You can’t feed your kids and your unemployment benefits have run out, well lucky you ’cause you have a chance to win 20 million dollars and move out of that cardboard box under the bridge… And remember: Play Responsibly.”

And God bless Budweiser too for reminding us to drink quickly, drink often, and, don’t forget “drink responsibly.” And our friends from North Carolina, the great American Tobacco Company, spend fourteen billion dollars this year to remind us that guys who smoke get laid more often, so “you all, buy ‘em, smoke ‘em, and smoke ‘em responsibly.” And the small print on the package says nothing about any sexual dysfunction from smoking. “You all might lose a lung, a lip or an esophagus to cancer but erectile dysfunction – forget-about-it.”

In America you can sell anything as long as you wrap it up with “do it responsibly.” My friend  Max who works at the NRA tells me that they are working on a new ad that says, “Buy as many guns as you can. It is your right as an American.” And buy those semi-automatic weapons that are only designed to kill a lot of people in a few seconds, especially policemen and children, but remember, use those weapons responsibly and have fun.”