House Speaker Boehner, concerned about the Mayan apocalypse, scheduled to end life on earth today, met earlier this morning at the White House, with President Obama to discuss how the destruction of earth might further delay negotiations to avoid the fiscal cliff.

Later, at a hastily arranged press conference Speaker Boehner, said, “I have canvassed the 242 House Republicans and can share with my fellow Americans that a majority of House Republicans believe with 99% certainty that the world will end today. To put the seriousness of this matter in context, three times as many Republicans believe the world will end today than believe in global warming.  In light of this development, I met with President Obama to discuss what the impact might be on the economy should we go over the Fiscal Cliff after the earth is destroyed. The President, I am sorry to report, refuses to take my concerns seriously, but I should let President Obama speak for himself.”

A weary Obama took the podium and read a brief statement: “The Speaker, believing the world will end today, wants to postpone negotiations on the Fiscal Cliff until after the earth is destroyed.  In a related matter, the Speaker also advised me that since the world was coming to an end today, the Republican Caucus is now prepared to stand up to the National Rifle Association and consider legislation intended to limit the distribution and sale of semi-automatic weapons.”

In response to a reporter’s question, Speaker Boehner said, “It is time to show courage and to do the right thing.” To symbolize that act of courage, Boehner tore up his NRA membership card in front of a shocked audience of reporters.  When told later by his administrative aide there was a chance in a million, just a very, very small chance, that the world might not end today, the Speaker was seen crawling around the then empty stage picking up pieces of his membership card muttering to himself, “That’s why I don’t believe anything scientists say. They don’t agree on anything. Smoke, don’t smoke; eat eggs, don’t eat eggs; butter is better than lard; everyone I know knows the world will end today but Senator Kerry told me yesterday that nobody is going anywhere until he is nominated to be the next Secretary of State.”