A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:  

If God has time to entertain all my Wishes, including striking anyone down who dares to start a 2016 presidential campaign before November of 2016, then this Thanksgiving I :

1. Thank God Jill Kelley is not my next-door neighbor because I don’t want my emails and topless photos of me being boxed up, carted out of my house, and combed over by thousands of FBI agents in hot pursuit of some federal crime I might have committed in the social intercourse of leaning over the boundary bush and being neighborly with good old social climbing Jill.
2. Thank God my name is not General Petraeus, not General Allen, not General Motors, not General Foods, not General anything cause this Kelley woman never met a General she didn’t chase after and bring down.
3. Thank God the war in Afghanistan has been going on for so many years that not one American soldier is at risk of death or injury in that country so our commanding officer has nothing else to do all day but write 30,000 emails to a Tampa socialite and swear, “I did not have sex with that woman.”  As if I never heard that line before; and if it’s true (this time), then:
4. Thank God, I mean really Thank God, for the “chain of command” because somewhere, someplace, someone in authority, way, way down the chain of command – maybe a straight person or maybe a gay person no longer preoccupied with “don’t ask, don’t tell – is not thinking with his or her genitals in hand and is actually protecting this country from those who intend to do it great harm.
5. And golly-gee God, most of all, thanks ever so much this Thanksgiving for giving us Americans this extraordinary Constitution and really swell form of government, that somehow survives and endures year after year even though so many of our elected and appointed leaders are driving around in government issued vehicles with their heads stuck up their asses, with one foot firmly on the throttle and one hand wrapped around a bottle of Viagra, wondering where and when the next really cool extra-marital thrill might be coming from before the blessed effects of “this here little blue pill wears off.”