Following up on our story of July, 2013 (nominating Goodell for Horse’s Ass of The Year) and the hell that has broken loose since Roger Goodell suspended player Ray Rice for two games for knocking his fiancé unconscious, we can now report that surgeon Dr. Oops has, today, publicly apologized for inadvertently removing NFL Commissioner Goodell’s brain, last year, during what had been scheduled as minor surgery to remove the Commissioner’s foot from his mouth.
Dr. Oops compared Goodell’s unfortunate brain-ectomy to a tonsillectomy, stating, “Fortunately, Goodell won’t miss his brain because, like most politicians, he hardly uses it.”
To prove his point that Goodell is doing just fine, Dr. Oops referenced some recent Goodell decisions (occurring both before and after his brain-ectomy):
1. This July, Goodell announced his “Zero Tolerance” for players’ on-field use of racial slurs or abusive language relating to sexual orientation. Goodell said, “Such conduct will not be tolerated in the NFL.” Penalty to be imposed: 15-yards.
2.Smoke two joints: Penalty: Suspension for one year.
3.Under Goodell’s New Domestic Violence Policy, knock your wife unconscious without video evidence confirming same: never happened (no penalty).
4.Knock someone else’s wife, or fiancé, unconscious with, or without, video confirmation: no penalty (“Since the victim ain’t a wife, fiancé, or partner,” Goodell explained gleefully, “such conduct fails to fall within NFL’s strict definition of Domestic Violence”).
Dr. Oops did admit, during his press conference, that he alone is solely responsible for Goodell failing to ask the Atlantic City casino for a copy of the in-elevator video footage of Ray Rice knocking his fiancé unconscious after Goodell viewed the video of Rice dragging his unconscious fiancé out of the elevator. “Let’s be honest,” Oops said, “only someone without a brain would fail to do that.”
In a related story, Commissioner Goodell announced, today, that he is suspending himself indefinitely for “conduct unbecoming to the NFL and human beings everywhere.” Goodell added, “During my suspension, which may well last until the heat gets out of the kitchen, or until I say, or do, something not patently offensive to women or Native Americans. I will continue, of course, to receive my $44 million annual salary, as my team owners love the job I’m doing.”