In response to declining cruise-line bookings, resulting from recent on-board deaths, rapes, disappearances, fires, and other inconveniences, the cruise industry, via its new Passenger Bill of Rights, now guarantees passengers:

1. The right to disembark whenever the ship is sinking even if the Captain has not yet given the, “Simon Says last-one-off-the-ship-is-it” command, or whenever the Captain slips and falls into – or is hiding in – a disembarking lifeboat.
2. A guarantee that passengers shall no longer be served their own recycled fecal matter in the dining rooms, or at the Midnight Buffet, two days in a row.
3.  In the event the ship is seized by Somalian pirates, all guests will be entitled to three free days at a half-star Somalian Pirate Bed & Breakfast retreat; plus complimentary commematorive, souvenir eye-patches; and wire notice of passenger’s kidnapping to institutional lenders of passenger’s choice.
4. If the cruise ship you are scheduled to board is on fire or sinking, you shall not be required to board that imperiled ship unless you have failed to give the required two-day prior written notice of your lost enthusiasm for cruising.
5. If your spouse, or fiance, or significant other, disappears, or is murdered, or has been sexually assaulted during a cruise, you are guaranteed to be “hooked up” with a replacement spouse, fiance, or significant other, by the ship’s concierge, within 15 minutes of your written notice to the ship’s Captain .
6. The Cruise-Industry reserves the right to cancel this Passenger Bill of Rights, in whole or in part, whenever industry-wide passenger bookings increase, or when New York Senator Charles Schumer fails to seek, or secure, re-election.