Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said, “I was sorta, kinda misquoted when I said I didn’t care about 47% of  Americans who may receive some kind of assistance from their government.  To tell you the truth, I misquoted me in an inelegant way; and for that I apologize to me.”

Jimmy I-Tell-It-Like-It-Is, from the I-Can’t Believe-This-Is-News Gazette defended the press, shouting back to Romney, who was hiding behind a plastic bush on the stage, “We’re reporting only what you said.  No deletions. Word for word.  It’s your own videos that are contradicting you. You have met the enemy, Governor, and it is you.”

As the plastic bush self-ignited in flames, Romney exploded in anger, pointing a finger at Boyscout and retorted, “When I become president the first thing I’m gonna do is pass a law that makes it a crime for a news media outlet to publish anything that a politician has said in the past.  That way we don’t confuse the public when I say I’m pro-life and against gun control and then you bastards immediately show video of me saying I am pro-choice and in favor of gun control.  It only confuses the public, especially my 53%.  Also, regarding my base, I think anyone with an I.Q. over 12 should not be allowed to vote in a national election.  I think those people showing up at the polls with signs and opinions only confuses my base.”

When the candidate was told that this was different than his explanation from yesterday, Mr. Romney stormed across the stage shouting behind him, “Will someone please piss on that burning bush and tell me again why I can’t say I was brainwashed.”