A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

House Speaker Boehner’s office confirmed today the Speaker has moved into a spacious new home on the edge of the Fiscal Cliff but denied this purchase was an ominous signal that negotiations with the White House to solve the fiscal crisis were deteriorating. The Speaker said, “Golly gee no. The Fiscal Cliff is a lovely neighborhood; and to make it safer I am proposing legislation that will make both global warming and any financial crisis illegal.”  The Speaker then rushed off to his new condo on the Fiscal Cliff to “enjoy the view” singing to himself, “The country’s in the very best of hands, the best of hands…”

Later, Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell announced he intends to introduce similar legislation in the Senate, adding, “My primary goal for the next four years is to make sure President Obama is not reelected.”   After McConnell was informed by a reporter that Obama was prohibited by the U.S. Constitution from seeking a third-term, McConnell seemed truly shocked.  “Are you sure about that?” McConnell asked. “If that’s true, what the hell are we fighting about?”

When a White House spokesperson was asked whether the President would sign such legislation outlawing global warming and a fiscal crisis, all he said was, “Dumber than dirt, dumber than dirt.”  It was not clear immediately to this reporter which question the spokesperson was responding to.