“Mitt Romney employs an illegal Jewish Mexican alien in his home,” according to a CBS report.   A family source confirmed that the illegal immigrant resides at a Romney residence but he is being carouseled from house to house, to avoid detection, among Romney’s homes in Sarasota,  Martha’ Vineyard, Vale, Colorado; Utah and New Hampshire.  A spokesperson for Mr. Romney has “categorically denied” that an illegal immigrant “now resides in Romney’s home in Vale, Colorado.”  He also accused unnamed persons in the White House for, “… fabricating portions of this story that may turn out to be true.”

In a related story, an unidentified son of Governor Romney said he saw a “… brown-skinned Mexican looking person, wearing a Romney for President button on his jacket …” leaving the Romney residence in Sarasota, Florida, at 5:15 this morning, with a suitcase in hand.  The candidate’s son said the man said his name was “Jesus Juan Goldstein when he was hired if he was hired.”

Mr. Romney’s campaign manager, He-Who-Is-So-Tired-Of-Denying-Stories-That-Everyone-Knows-Are-True, said he has been authorized by Romney to “say anything the American people are likely to believe and to remind the press again that Mr. Romney is very popular with his wife Anne.”  He-Who-Is-So-Tired-Of-Denying-Stories-That-Everyone-Knows-Are-True further stated that Romney firmly believes that Mr. Jesus Juan Goldstein should not be deported or self deported with all those other Mexicans because he is Jewish and the Jews should not be deported from any homeland during an election year even if they are Mexican.  Later, the former governor was overheard by a reporter telling his wife that, “Not even Nixon wanted to be president this badly.”

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said, “I was sorta, kinda misquoted when I said I didn’t care about 47% of  Americans who may receive some kind of assistance from their government.  To tell you the truth, I misquoted me in an inelegant way; and for that I apologize to me.”

Jimmy I-Tell-It-Like-It-Is, from the I-Can’t Believe-This-Is-News Gazette defended the press, shouting back to Romney, who was hiding behind a plastic bush on the stage, “We’re reporting only what you said.  No deletions. Word for word.  It’s your own videos that are contradicting you. You have met the enemy, Governor, and it is you.”

As the plastic bush self-ignited in flames, Romney exploded in anger, pointing a finger at Boyscout and retorted, “When I become president the first thing I’m gonna do is pass a law that makes it a crime for a news media outlet to publish anything that a politician has said in the past.  That way we don’t confuse the public when I say I’m pro-life and against gun control and then you bastards immediately show video of me saying I am pro-choice and in favor of gun control.  It only confuses the public, especially my 53%.  Also, regarding my base, I think anyone with an I.Q. over 12 should not be allowed to vote in a national election.  I think those people showing up at the polls with signs and opinions only confuses my base.”

When the candidate was told that this was different than his explanation from yesterday, Mr. Romney stormed across the stage shouting behind him, “Will someone please piss on that burning bush and tell me again why I can’t say I was brainwashed.”