Play the Pennsylvania Lottery All Day But “Play Responsibly.”

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

God bless Pennsylvania for giving us all a chance to support our families. “Good news, bad news,” the voice-over on the TV commercial warns, “You can’t feed your kids and your unemployment benefits have run out, well lucky you ’cause you have a chance to win 20 million dollars and move out of that cardboard box under the bridge… And remember: Play Responsibly.”

And God bless Budweiser too for reminding us to drink quickly, drink often, and, don’t forget “drink responsibly.” And our friends from North Carolina, the great American Tobacco Company, spend fourteen billion dollars this year to remind us that guys who smoke get laid more often, so “you all, buy ‘em, smoke ‘em, and smoke ‘em responsibly.” And the small print on the package says nothing about any sexual dysfunction from smoking. “You all might lose a lung, a lip or an esophagus to cancer but erectile dysfunction – forget-about-it.”

In America you can sell anything as long as you wrap it up with “do it responsibly.” My friend  Max who works at the NRA tells me that they are working on a new ad that says, “Buy as many guns as you can. It is your right as an American.” And buy those semi-automatic weapons that are only designed to kill a lot of people in a few seconds, especially policemen and children, but remember, use those weapons responsibly and have fun.”

Ode To Ish

Second Place

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

Yesterday, after yet another deadline missed, I thought of This:

Though not submitted “by precisely seven p.m.” – as required by the rules –

it was, in fact, delivered at Seven-ish.

And then I wondered whether I – and the world too – have long been Remiss,

in failing to acknowledge how much I – and we –  owe to Ish.

If you can’t be the best in your field, in your time, or even be on time, at least be close; be Ish –

make that your goal, your niche, your Wish.

 

In this competitive world, where non-winners are too often labeled losers, it’s Nice,

when something less than best can Suffice;

I cheer whenever an Olympic champion, unable to capture gold –

any average Joe, Pierre, Juan, Gretchen, or Hans –

comes home a hero, proudly wearing silver or Bronze.

God bless those of us who were never the best but had the Stuff –

to be, well… just good Enough.

 

It’s hard, is it not, to see ourselves as others Do?

I, for example, was always a wonderfully attentive lover, as many along the way would testify acknowledge as being True.

I never once had cause to ask, “Was I your Best?

Or, “Are you satisfied, my Dearest?”

For I suspected that even if not completely satisfactory as I might have aspired or Wished,

I was surely – between the sheets – sexually speaking, Satisfactory… ish.

But I must confess how deeply it pained me when a lover,

seemingly spent, whispered moistly and softly in my ear, “I am Satisfied… ish.”

 

There should be a marker somewhere, maybe even a monument, made of marble, to honor the contributions of Ish;

something like the Washington Monument would do.

Well, maybe not that big, and, maybe, not that monumental but surely, you know, well…

Washington Monument-ish. 

Tea Party Tea-Bagged As Romney Reverses Position On Gay Marriage

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

Mitt Romney’s announced his support for “a really neat idea”, namely that gays and lesbians would be permitted to marry but not divorce.  “You can’t fight to get out of a club your demanding admission to,” Romney reasoned.

Revealed at a secret Republican Think-Tank, held this week in Oxymoronica, Kansas, Senator Closet’s plan would allow same-sex marriages but would not permit such marriages to be terminated by annulment or divorce.

A spokesperson for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance said that same-sex couples are entitled to the same rights as heterosexual couples, which includes, “… the right to marry and divorce.”  But in a startling development, a spokesperson at the Vatican speaking for the Pope said, “The Holy Father favors any law that prevents divorce and upholds the sanctity of marriage.”  Asked later whether this represented a tacit approval of same-sex marriage, the Pope explained, “Some of my best friends are gays and lesbians, but I wouldn’t want to marry one – joke joke.  Come on – lighten up.”  Immediately thereafter an emergency meeting at the Vatican was held behind closed doors.  Though later denied by the Vatican, a reliable source within the Vatican, who requested not to be named, said the Pope was sent to bed early without his beads or dessert.

Court Decides Voters May Be Intimidated & Harassed Before Voting

In an King Solomon-ish opinion, a Pennsylvania court decided voters without proper photo i.d.  can be humiliated and threatened but cannot be prevented from voting.  In a companion case, the same Court is expected to rule later today on a second law passed by the Republican controlled Pennsylvania legislature.  As decided in that second case, loaded guns can be pointed at voters unable to produce proper i.d., but election officials will not be permitted to fire those weapons at voters “… to intimidate them.”   It was not clear whether the court was upholding a poll official’s rights to shoot voters if the intention was not to intimate them.  The judge, who signed both of these decisions, was not available to comment but was observed exiting the Courthouse muttering to himself, “I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date!”, before this model of muddled jurisprudence stumbled down a rabbit hole into Wonderland.  The National Rifle Association, through a spokesperson, applauded the decisions stating that, “Anything less than permitting citizens to point loaded weapons at other citizens, would have a chilling effect upon our democracy and the second amendment.”  When asked to comment, Mitt Romney said that any Mexicans disappearing down rabbit holes in an attempt to get to Wonderland would be self-deported under a Romney administration and was later heard lamenting to his wife Ann as he left a scheduled event, “Even Nixon didn’t want to be president this badly.”