Obama & Putin Agree to Couples Counseling

September 5, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Obama Putin Agree To Couples Counseling

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia – At the G20 Summit, today, Presidents Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin announced they have agreed to submit immediately to Couples Counseling.

While both leaders point to “irreconcilable differences”, Putin said, “Counseling is our last chance to avoid an ugly, tear-filled scene quarreling over whether to “bomb the shit out of Syria” or simply to kick the chemical weapons “red line” down the road a bit.”

According to a story by Peter Baker, appearing in today’s NYTimes, “… Mr. Obama acknowledged that ‘we’ve kind of hit a wall’ in relations and “… we should …not sugarcoat them.'”

Couples Counselors R USCommenting on the announcement, close friends of the Super-Couple are thrilled but expressed shock and awe that Obama and Putin have selected Bill Clinton and disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner to mediate their relationship issues.

When asked to comment, Mr. Obama shouted to the crowd of assembled reporters, as he and Putin took off, hand-in-hand, down a secluded garden path, “Clinton and Weiner have both demonstrated magical, manipulative powers at saving their own marriages that seemed, to most, beyond hope. Puttie and I are confident they can save us from each other.”

As the world’s most powerful couple exited, this reporter overheard Putin whispering sofly in Obama’s hear,”Poisen shmoisen. Poisen shmoisen. Your baseball World Series starts soon in October, honey-bunch, and, believe me, nobody will remember where your red line used to be.”

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Spitzer Offers To Pay For Women’s Vote One Vote At A Time

September 4, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Weiner7- Real Men Commit AdultryResizedWith a week left in the New York race for Comptroller, candidate Elliot Spitzer, the dick-for-brains-wanna-be-mayor-oops-comptroller, tried a Kennedy-ish rhetorical appeal for the women’s vote:

“My Daddy said everyone has their price.  So, ask not what your city can do for this piece of shit, but ask rather what this piece of shit can do for you?  Am I not the same man who spent $80,000 a year on prostitutes, contributing to these young girl’s economic stability and upward mobility? Who better to chase the whores on Wall St. than a man who has spent his entire adult life spending daddy’s fortune chasing whores up and down the East Coast? 

Question from Reporter #1:  Why should we support your candidacy if your wife doesn’t?

I’m so glad you asked that question.  Were my wife here today would she not say that I am the same man who chose to not burden, nor bother, his wife with his primal urges, fantasies of mediocrity and other unmentionable sexual proclivities?  I have shoe-boxes full of receipts to prove how much I do not bother my wife.  Do you dare think I am not adored and loved by these women?

Audience: No, no, no !!!

No?  Well let me ask it this way: Compared to the other pieces of shit, who have embarrassed themselves running for political office, am I not a more educated, upper-crusted, entitled, son of wealthy real estate tycoon and more likeable guy than say Donald Trump?

Audience: No, no, no !!!

 Question from Reporter #2: Why should we elect a man who broke the laws he was elected to enforce?

Yes, I am humbled by that question; and, yes, I am a servant of the law even though I am well above the reach of the law that is enacted solely to keep the little people in their place, blah, blah, blah …  And, I hasten to add, I do not dye my hair, nor do I comb it over like some Zero Mostel-Donald Trump look alike.  And I will never, ever embarrass you by sexting my genitals to anyone as long as my wife continues to stand next to me, whenever my dick, acting sua esponte, on a frolic of its own, takes control of my life and my sacred honor.

And, in closing, if you are reading this speech please know that as I speak, great big, salty tears are rolling down my upper-class, chalky white cheeks — designed to show all the little people how god-damned sincere I am and to get them off their fat lower-class asses and to the poles next Tuesday to elect me again to a position of trust.  And if elected, I promise to screw you all.

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Breaking News: My Muse Is A Pain In The Ass

July 29, 2013 by 7 Comments

MY MUSE3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From a deep peaceful sleep, I awoke surprised to find,

I had my muse on my mind.

I’m speaking of She who calls herself Shirley…. Alas.

Let’s be quite clear about this from the start: My Muse is a pain in the Ass.

 

Speaking candidly – with no punches pulled, without embellishment,

as any artist Might.

I want to understand her, to get her Right.

Why would my muse declare herself to be average? Not only average but Average-ish.

No one aspires to average; why waste a Wish?

 

If you don’t know it – then know it now – every artist, in accordance

with Greek Mythology, is entitled to one muse – and only one – per

lifetime to inspire the artist. Ergo, no artist would accept a muse who

is – or perceives herself as – run-of-the-mill-ish;

you know, Average-ish.

I hope I’m being clear about This.

My Muse is a pain in the Ass.

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One ought not underestimate the influence of a good muse. Someone

once said, “Only Fools rush in where wise men fear to tread.” Not

True. Not True.

Muses always Do.

When a critic opines negatively upon an artist’s work, concluding it to

be, at best, a Work-in-Progress-Disaster,

it’s the Muse to the rescue, filling air and artist’s ear with, “No, no, no.

You are a Master.”

 

My muse – Shirley – too often asks rhetorically about

herself, “What do I do Well;

I mean, at what, if anything, do I Excel?”

I don’t get it. Never will. My insisting, “It ain’t so,”

changes not the status quo.

Reluctantly, I give up. I Surrender,

But first, I dare you to deny that this is all about Gender.

 

Every man, any man, would never depreciate or diminish himself so.

This we Know.

Were my muse a Man,

He’d be all about himself, boasting, “I can do anything. Yes I can, yes I Can.”

But Women, some, not all, self-deprecate, seeing less, making less of

the sum of their Parts.

Is this not the product of centuries-old practiced or feigned

subservience, of hiding larger hearts, and greater Smarts?

 

The Oxford English Dictionary defines (or so it should) “Shirley-ish“, a noun, as, “1. that which never gives up on anyone;  that which is integral to the creative process; is a lover of art and artists and whatever they might Create.”

But  Wait.

The Dictionary includes a second meaning – a bit shocking, I admit,

and a bit Crass –

It says – I swear it does – “2. Shirley-ish denotes a muse who is a pain in the Ass.“

 

QED. It must be so. Who’d challenge the Oxford English Dictionary?

Not Me. Its reputation too Legendary.

But still I’d add a third meaning; Shirley-ish as a verb: “3. to be Shirley-ished is be blessed with the kind of a friend, that most mere mortals only dream about.”

 

Lucky Me,

Lucky her friends and family,

Lucky Jim Lee, whoever he may be.

 

One closing uncontrovertible truth about my Muse:

If her vision and confidence that this world stripped from her were

restored, she’d be the artist, not the muse.

Until that day arrives, a better me will remember to Be

to her – what she is to Me.

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Junkman Caught Sexting Again – Weiner Swears Inappropriate Sex Behind Him — Well, Sorta

July 23, 2013 by 1 Comment

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Both Super-Creepy Weiner and Morally-challenged Spitzer lead their races for Mayor and Controller of New York. We wondered why and hit the streets to find answers.

Bus driver Michael O’Connor said, “Look, some guys love their penises; what can I say? But both of ‘em did the right thing and resigned as soon as they were caught. Look, Spitzer’s my fuck’in hero. Anybody who spends $80,000 for prostitutes and can keep his wife from killing him gets my vote.”

Superior Court Judge Hank E. Panky, III thinks Weiner should take a case of Kleenex and go off into the woods and never return, adding, “But Spitzer went after Wall Street. We need politicians with the chutsbah to prosecute Big Money. What Spitzer does in bed – and with whom – is between him and his wife.”

Asked whether Spitzer committed a crime by engaging in prostitution when as Attorney General of New York he aggressively enforced the prostitution laws. “Well, yea, that’s troubling.” When pressed again as to why he was supporting Spitzer, Judge Panky said, “Well, he donated $15k to my reelection campaign. I owe the guy. It’s not like he bought my vote. Uh, well, uh, really, it’s not.”

Toilet bowl and paper

 

 Why Won’t New Yorkers Flush These Guys Away?

 

 

 

 

Local Union leader Anthony (who asked his name and union affiliation not be disclosed) supports Spitzer.

“Remember Nixon’s Vice President, Spiro Agnew. He took payoffs in the White House for favors he delivered as governor of Maryland. That’s America – one hand always washes the other. Spitzer’s a guy I could do business wit. Weiner – my personal opinion – gives me the willies. My daughter told me she tweeted with Weiner, and later that night I threw her computer in the Hudson River.  She ain’t tweetin‘ so much anymore.”

When asked whether the citizens of New York deserved better than the likes of Weiner and Spitzer, Anthony waxed philosophically, “Truth is: we get what we deserve. Always do. That’s both the blessing and the horror of democracy. Honestly, I don’t care if a guy gets his hand caught in the cookie jar once in a while, but Weiner – who knows where this guy’s hands have been?”

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Politicians Start Your Engines: New York Sexual Deviants Get Ready, On Your Mark — Run

July 8, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Weiner7- Real Men Commit AdultryResized

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New York Governor Eliot Spitzer addresses the media with his wife Silda Wall at his office in New York, on March 12, 2008 to announce that he will resign from office after revelations that he had been a client of a prostitution ring. The resignation will

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer addresses the media with his wife Silda Wall at his office in New York, on March 12, 2008 to announce that he will resign from office after revelations that he had been a client of a prostitution ring. The resignation will

 

 

After disgraced New York politicians Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer both announced their intention to seek public office again this fall, North Korean Supreme Looney Bird Kim Jong-un announced his intention to run for Mayor of Gotham City. But the more shocking story is political newcomer, Peter Pedophile, announcing, today, his candidacy for Mayor of New York.

“If Weiner and Spitzer are throwing their junk into the ring, groveling and begging forgiveness,” Pedophile said, “why shouldn’t I? ”

According to a New York Times interview by Michael Barbaro, Elliot Spitzer insisted his three daughters – but not necessarily his wife – support his candidacy. Spitzer said, “Women are stopping me in the street asking me to run.”  And surveys show ninety-nine percent of the street walkers in Manhattan support Spitzer. Across from Spitzer headquarters, a lone prostitute stands holding a sign that reads, “We want our own John in City Hall.”

When asked to comment on Weiner’s stomp subway station speech comparing his life to tribulations suffered by Franklin Roosevelt and Nelson Mandella, Peter Pedophile said  “Yea, that makes sense. I think FDR contracting polio is identical to Weiner hearing voices that led him to uncontrollably tweet his penis to teenage girls.”

Pedophile continued, “But I’m lost with Weiner’s Mandella comparison. Someone in Weiner headquarters explained that one to me stating, ‘It’s simple and it’s catchy: Weiner is to Mandella as shit is to champagne.'”

Weiner1Pedophile acknowledged he lacks the name recognition of either Weiner or Spitzer, but he swore, “I can grovel and beg forgiveness with the best of them,” If elected, I will embarrass myself, my family and betray the electorate’s sacred trust. I promise to drag my wife to the podium to stand by me while I slobber all over myself before running for reelection.”

“I am the best candidate. Sure, I‘m a piece of shit but I‘m a better class of shit than Spitzer. I did not commit a crime in one jurisdiction I swore in another to enforce. Not me, not yet.”

In the current environment, political insiders believe Kim Jong-un is the front runner as he may be the most normal one in the bunch.

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Accepting Nominations For Horse’s Ass Of The Year

July 5, 2013 by Leave a Comment

 

Satire-ish's Horse's Ass Award

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A surveillance camera, today, captured this poignant scene, between National Football League Commissioner, Roger Goodell, and his bedroom Mirror:

“Mirror, Mirror, on my Wall,

Who’s the bestest, most powerful Commissioner and has the biggest dick of All?”

 

“You Roger, you Do,

yet the whole World laughs at You –

so sad but True.

Now stop crying, Roger. Put down Rubber Ducky – use your Wit,

and show the world you’re not an empty suit, a corporate tool, a bigoted Hypocrite.”

 

“This is about the Rooney Rule isn’t it? That stupid Rule requires a minority candidate be interviewed before a head coach or general manager can be hired by any, and all, NFL Teams.

But, golly gee, it doesn’t really mean what it purports or Seems.

We promised to interview minorities – raise their Hopes,

Nobody promised to actually hire black coaches. Christ!! What are we – Dopes?

Nothing I do is ever enough or Ample.

I mean this year alone we hired 15 new head coaches and General Managers, all of whom were…….. well, very white. Never mind; bad Example.”

 

“From my side of the Mirror, Roger, not to be Crass,

but if you aren’t, then who is a bigger horse’s Ass?

Poor, poor Roger Goodell, listen to me, baby, my mirror-imaged Honey,

the general prevailing view is: you care only about the profits, the Money.”

 

Goodell

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“This is about the name ‘Redskins‘, right? There’s nothing wrong with the name Washington ‘Redskins.’ Like I said to the Congressmen that asked me to have the name changed, ‘”For the team’s millions of fans and customers … the name… stands for strength, courage, pride and Respect….

Any conclusion to the contrary is simply Incorrect.”

“Roger, Roger, use your Intellect,

When in doubt, deflect, Misdirect,

What would you think of the Atlanta Slanty-eyed Bastards or the Memphis Klu Klux Klaners?”

 

“Pardon my excitement, pardon my Manors;

Oh, Mirror, Mirror, what a great corporate Name;

don’t tell me it’s taken. Oh, oh, that would be such a Shame.”

 

“Roger, Roger, do you care at all that some are truly offended?”

 

“Oh, Mirror Mirror, see the pecuniary opportunities; fences can always be Mended.”

 

“Roger, Roger, don’t you ever yield to old open Wounds?”

 

“Of course we do; that’s why we rejected the Selma Alabama Coons.”

 

“Bottom line, Roger, Roger, do you think the world is better off keeping the Redskins Name?”

 

“Mirror Mirror, they hired me to make more money, not change the world; that’s not the Same.

We are about the money, about the paying Fans,

Pardon my candor but nothing I, nor we, could possibly do will relieve the pain of the Native Americans.

Why bother?

 

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Cruise Industry Passenger Bill of Rights Includes Fecal Matter No Longer on Midnight Buffet

May 28, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Sinking Ship 2In response to declining cruise-line bookings, resulting from recent on-board deaths, rapes, disappearances, fires, and other inconveniences, the cruise industry, via its new Passenger Bill of Rights, now guarantees passengers:

  1. The right to disembark whenever the ship is sinking even if the Captain has not yet given the, “Simon Says last-one-off-the-ship-is-it” command, or whenever the Captain slips and falls into – or is hiding in – a disembarking lifeboat.
  2. A guarantee that passengers shall no longer be served their own recycled fecal matter in the dining rooms, or at the Midnight Buffet, two days in a row.
  3.  In the event the ship is seized by Somalian pirates, all guests will be entitled to three free days at a half-star Somalian Pirate Bed & Breakfast retreat; plus complimentary commematorive, souvenir eye-patches; and wire notice of passenger’s kidnapping to institutional lenders of passenger’s choice.
  4. If the cruise ship you are scheduled to board is on fire or sinking, you shall not be required to board that imperiled ship unless you have failed to give the required two-day prior written notice of your lost enthusiasm for cruising.
  5. If your spouse, or fiance, or significant other, disappears, or is murdered, or has been sexually assaulted during a cruise, you are guaranteed to be “hooked up” with a replacement spouse, fiance, or significant other, by the ship’s concierge, within 15 minutes of your written notice to the ship’s Captain .
  6. The Cruise-Industry reserves the right to cancel this Passenger Bill of Rights, in whole or in part, whenever industry-wide passenger bookings increase, or when New York Senator Charles Schumer fails to seek, or secure, re-election.
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Anthony Weiner Coming Soon to a Circus Near You

May 17, 2013 by 2 Comments

ASS'S R US -L   

 MAGAZINE… 

                     BRINGS YOU THE ANTHONY WEINER SHOW…

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Spitzer: “Welcome. I’m Eliot Spitzer, former Attorney General and Governor of New York, devoted dad, life-long Yankees fan and prostitute-addicted adulterer, and your moderator. Please turn your attention to the center ring, where the amazing Anthony Weiner, is stuffing 100 pounds of Chutzpah in a 10 pound bag.”  

Weiner: “I’m here today asking for your forgiveness, your money and your vote. Honestly, my brother Jason was right when he said, in a  NYTimes article, that there was ‘definitely a douchiness about’ me. But Jason also said, since I’ve been running for Mayor of New York City, I’m not as douchey.” 

Spitzer: “How do you intend to re-invent yourself from disgraced Congressman who Time Magazine voted ‘The Most Icky Guy in New York’?”  

Weiner:  “Well, I take two aspirins a day, I don’t tweet no more, and I’ve been in intensive psychotherapy for two weeks. Hey, ‘no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public’… Oops! My wife Huma just signaled me to say I didn’t mean to say that. And I know Huma begged me not to say this, but if it helps the good people of New York, I promise to twitter pictures of my penis to every house in America, including the White House.” 

Spitzer: “But still, I wonder, with 4.2 million normal adults eligible to run for mayor of New York City, why should anyone vote for such an icky, slime-ball guy as you? No offense intended.”

 Weiner:  “None taken, Spitz. Politicians shouldn’t act like their better than their neighbors.  And I think a guy’s gotta be part slime-ball to succeed in this town. And if that’s true, I’ll sink or swim with my Motto:

               I’m slimier than anyone you know, but I’m not as douchey as I used to be.” 


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Yes, Yes, Marco Rubio Can Hold His Own

April 22, 2013 by 2 Comments

Marco Rubio Holds His Own - CopyMarco Rubio Holds His Own 2Marco Rubio Holds His Own

(Editorial Note: As a result of this interview, Senator Rubio has earned, and will appear on, next month’s cover of Ass‘sЯUs.)

With Obama mustering 70% of the Hispanic vote – the fastest growing demographic voting bloc – the GOP is desperately wishing for a 2016 Latino Miracle. But how? But wait. Look. Up in the sky. Is that a bird? A plane? No, it’s Florida’s Marco Rubio, Super-Latino….. well, sorta.

This week Senator Rubio sat down with our Bessie Moskowitz:

Bessie: So what’s a nice boy like you doing in a gang, Marco? What a Shanda. You’re going to break your mother’s heart.

Rubio:  No, the Gang of Eight are all U.S Senators. We wrote an Immigration bill creating a path to citizenship for some 11 million illegal residents.

Bessie: Why reward illegals with amnesty?

Rubio:  Amnesty? Oy Vey, Bessie. God forbid. The GOP forgives no one. But listen to my story. Here’s a hanky. My parents were immigrants. They escaped from Cuba to pursue freedoms they were denied under Castro.

Bessie: Didn’t your parents come here two years before Castro came to power?

Rubio: Well, technically, yes.

Bessie: So, you’re story is bullshit, right?

Rubio: Polls overwhelming indicate mine is a compelling narrative, and, my mendacity notwithstanding, is a repeatable, electable story.

Bessie: But Cubans, by law, cannot be illegal immigrants. All Cubans exiles are refugees, guaranteed automatic citizenship within 5 years, right?

Rubio: Yea, sure, but Cubans are also Latinos. We are all equal here, but some of us, I’ll admit, are more equal than others.  What could be more American?

Bessie: I’m confused. A Mexican who crosses the border can’t work legally and is subject to deportation. And under your bill pays a $2,000 fine, must learn to speak English, and wait 13 years before applying for citizenship. But a Cuban who sneaks onto our shores can’t be deported and is guaranteed citizenship in 5 years. Is that right?

The Portrait of Marco Rubio

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rubio:  What’s your point, Bessie? Please focus on how handsome I am.

Bessie: Now I see why most non-Cuban Hispanics call you a hypocrite. Senator, you’re what my generation calls a real schmuck.

Rubio:  Thanks, Bessie. As a presidential candidate, currying favor with the conservative, tea bagging base of my party, while staying loyal to my Cuban roots, I am trying to attract non-Cuban Latinos. I should like to see Houdini pull that trick off.

Bessie: You do pass the litmus paper schmuck test.

Rubio: Say what you want, but I designed an easy path for citizenship. All you have to do is go to Oz, kill the witch, bring home the ruby red slippers, the witch’s broom; and within six months win Dancing With The Stars and Olympic Gold in both the Summer and Winter Olympics, and, finally, be elected CEO of a Fortune 500 Company.

Bessie: Of the 11 million illegal residents, how many will obtain citizenship this way?

Rubio: Hard to guess, really. The path is there. Those who want it, will follow.

Bessie:  Of the 11 million, I’m guessing 6 or 7 people might get citizenship this way.

Rubio: Sounds about right. I see the green light went off. Nice interview. Okay. Well, to be honest with you, Bessie, it would be easier for 11 million illegals to take a Carnival Cruise to Cuba and upon returning to Florida demand immediate refugee status and citizenship as Cuban exiles.  We call that the VIP Path.

 

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Kim Jong-un’s Mental Illness Prevents Gun Ownership in North Korea But Turns to U.S. Gun Shows for Help

April 5, 2013 by 4 Comments

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North Korea’s strict laws prohibiting the mentally ill, or those with chronic Diarrhea-of-the-Mouth, from owning any lethal weapons has forced Kim Jong-un, the North Korean Dictator, to turn for help to the United States where he purchased some $800 million worth of weapons from a South Carolina gun show. Later, Kim Jong-un said, “What a crazy country America is. Obama chasing me, every day, up and down the palace steps with killer drones, but all I need is a credit card to buy millions of weapons of mass destruction from his back yard.”

kim-jong-un 2The recently appointed Dictator said, at a hastily arranged press conference, “Not nice that I can’t buy a hand-gun in my own country. Makes me mad. Real mad. And I own more nutty-putty and enriched plutonium than any individual in the world. When Daddy was alive he let me blow up an entire Northern province every year for my birthday. Boom. Boom. Good times were had by all – except, maybe, for the peasants. But they now glow in the dark and that makes their children laugh and laugh — when not vomiting or spitting up blood. Oh, I miss Daddy Daddy and all those good times.”

When asked why he’s been threatening to bomb the United States and South Korea, the young Dictator looked shocked by the question. “Why not? My good friends, Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden, told me to take no shit from Uncle Sam.  Me like Superman. My father didn’t raise no dummy, you know. Must go now. Time for my milk, cookies and cartoons with Dennis Rodman. Kim Jong-un love cartoons. Boom boom.”

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