In retaliation for Vladimir Putin’s March 28th annexation of Crimea and threats to annex all of Eastern Ukraine, President Obama has moved quickly and decisively to punish the Russian President.

According to a May 5th New York Times article, Obama has pressured the top executives of PepsiCo, Morgan Stanley, and Alcoa to cancel plans to attend a party, in St Petersburg, hosted by Putin.  In a related story, the President has sent 10,000 federal troops to surround The Russian Tea Room in Manhattan and has encouraged his Cabinet members to abstain from eating Russian Dressing.

The immediate economic impact of these surgical strikes on the Russian economy is still being determined by the Office of Budget & Management, however, in an apparent act of reconciliation and contrition, according to not too reliable White House sources, Putin has sent a hand-written note to Obama promising to cancel plans to annex Detroit, Michigan and Camden, New Jersey.

“As much as we consider the annexation of Detroit and Camden as an immediate way to increase the mean income of the Russian people,” Putin wrote, “We will forego these plans if you allow PepsiCo to attend my party.”

The mood, today, has lightened dramatically at the White House, as the economic noose tightens around the Russian President.  Obama was quoted, screaming defiantly, from the Oval Office, “Let them drink Coke.  We’ll see how long they can hold out.”

In an unrelated story, President Obama’s approval rating has fallen further into single digits; and now rests between Comcast and liver cancer.