House Speaker Boehner Buys Condo Overlooking Fiscal Cliff

December 5, 2012 by 4 Comments

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

House Speaker Boehner’s office confirmed today the Speaker has moved into a spacious new home on the edge of the Fiscal Cliff but denied this purchase was an ominous signal that negotiations with the White House to solve the fiscal crisis were deteriorating. The Speaker said, “Golly gee no. The Fiscal Cliff is a lovely neighborhood; and to make it safer I am proposing legislation that will make both global warming and any financial crisis illegal.”  The Speaker then rushed off to his new condo on the Fiscal Cliff to “enjoy the view” singing to himself, “The country’s in the very best of hands, the best of hands…”

Later, Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell announced he intends to introduce similar legislation in the Senate, adding, “My primary goal for the next four years is to make sure President Obama is not reelected.”   After McConnell was informed by a reporter that Obama was prohibited by the U.S. Constitution from seeking a third-term, McConnell seemed truly shocked.  “Are you sure about that?” McConnell asked. “If that’s true, what the hell are we fighting about?”

When a White House spokesperson was asked whether the President would sign such legislation outlawing global warming and a fiscal crisis, all he said was, “Dumber than dirt, dumber than dirt.”  It was not clear immediately to this reporter which question the spokesperson was responding to.

 

Filed Under: All, Political-ish, Satire-ish Tagged With: , , ,

This Thanksgiving Thank God Jill Kelley is Not Your Next-Door Neighbor

November 21, 2012 by Leave a Comment

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:  

If God has time to entertain all my Wishes, including striking anyone down who dares to start a 2016 presidential campaign before November of 2016, then this Thanksgiving I :

  1. Thank God Jill Kelley is not my next-door neighbor because I don’t want my emails and topless photos of me being boxed up, carted out of my house, and combed over by thousands of FBI agents in hot pursuit of some federal crime I might have committed in the social intercourse of leaning over the boundary bush and being neighborly with good old social climbing Jill.
  2. Thank God my name is not General Petraeus, not General Allen, not General Motors, not General Foods, not General anything cause this Kelley woman never met a General she didn’t chase after and bring down.
  3. Thank God the war in Afghanistan has been going on for so many years that not one American soldier is at risk of death or injury in that country so our commanding officer has nothing else to do all day but write 30,000 emails to a Tampa socialite and swear, “I did not have sex with that woman.”  As if I never heard that line before; and if it’s true (this time), then:
  4. Thank God, I mean really Thank God, for the “chain of command” because somewhere, someplace, someone in authority, way, way down the chain of command – maybe a straight person or maybe a gay person no longer preoccupied with “don’t ask, don’t tell – is not thinking with his or her genitals in hand and is actually protecting this country from those who intend to do it great harm.
  5. And golly-gee God, most of all, thanks ever so much this Thanksgiving for giving us Americans this extraordinary Constitution and really swell form of government, that somehow survives and endures year after year even though so many of our elected and appointed leaders are driving around in government issued vehicles with their heads stuck up their asses, with one foot firmly on the throttle and one hand wrapped around a bottle of Viagra, wondering where and when the next really cool extra-marital thrill might be coming from before the blessed effects of “this here little blue pill wears off.”
Filed Under: All, Political-ish, Rants & Raves, Satire-ish, Un-Categorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Falling In Love With Negative Space

November 13, 2012 by 2 Comments

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

Ever have someone compliment you for not being a certain way?  Ever been attracted to someone mostly because they were so different from someone else from your past?  If so, you know all about obsessing on negative space.

Falling In Love With Negative Space 

What is it about the way we choose lovers that too often makes us wonder, “Of all my many choices made, was not that one my Worst?”

I’m listening for clues today, my love; playing our first Words slowly forward, then again Reversed.

Scratching beneath the surface to see how we process what we first discover about the other — what we hold, discard or Replace.

And in that process, do we not – too often – focus on Negative Space?

Judging each other based on what each of us is Not,

as if I were the sum of all I Ain’t; as if you were the sum of all you’re Not.

 

If my Soul, you were inclined to Paint,

would you upon your canvas reveal me as the total of all I Ain’t?

Before making yourself a double martini or stealing from your son’s desk draw another Joint,

let me cut to the chase and make my Point.

 

In the beginning of our Beginning, you said, “I am so very attracted to you because you are not: a big drinker, a gambler,  a right-winger, an obsessed religious fanatic, a womanizer” and lots of other stuff  I’ve never Been.

When focusing so on what I ain’t – that so perfectly describes your lovers left behind – how will you decide whether I’m worth selling or buying, whether I’m out or In?

 

I’m describing your behavior, but not pointing fingers or casting Blame;

in fact, I’m afraid I behave the same.

As we Glance through our Rear-View-Mirrors, we’re shocked to See:

we’ve been attracted – Subconsciously –

to traits exactly opposite of those we Hate,

Possessed by the Mate,

Last left Behind,

whose larger than life negative parts we can’t, evidently, shake from our Mind.

 

I’m suggesting nothing but a small change in how we process, how we use Intuition,

a slight alteration – as sailors say – in tacking Position.

I recommend we focus on what each of us Possesses, on what we each have to Offer,

And let’s deposit those assets,  those  jewels in our Coffer.

 

In short, my thesis on obsessing over Negative Space is easy to Summarize:

When alone, when we privately gaze to the heavens and make a wish upon a

Star,

We should wish not for someone who Ain’t but for someone who

Are.

Filed Under: All, Rants & Raves, Relationships, Rhymes & Poetry-ish Tagged With: , , ,

Play the Pennsylvania Lottery All Day But “Play Responsibly.”

October 30, 2012 by 6 Comments

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

God bless Pennsylvania for giving us all a chance to support our families. “Good news, bad news,” the voice-over on the TV commercial warns, “You can’t feed your kids and your unemployment benefits have run out, well lucky you ’cause you have a chance to win 20 million dollars and move out of that cardboard box under the bridge… And remember: Play Responsibly.”

And God bless Budweiser too for reminding us to drink quickly, drink often, and, don’t forget “drink responsibly.” And our friends from North Carolina, the great American Tobacco Company, spend fourteen billion dollars this year to remind us that guys who smoke get laid more often, so “you all, buy ‘em, smoke ‘em, and smoke ‘em responsibly.” And the small print on the package says nothing about any sexual dysfunction from smoking. “You all might lose a lung, a lip or an esophagus to cancer but erectile dysfunction – forget-about-it.”

In America you can sell anything as long as you wrap it up with “do it responsibly.” My friend  Max who works at the NRA tells me that they are working on a new ad that says, “Buy as many guns as you can. It is your right as an American.” And buy those semi-automatic weapons that are only designed to kill a lot of people in a few seconds, especially policemen and children, but remember, use those weapons responsibly and have fun.”

Filed Under: All, Rants & Raves, Satire-ish, Un-Categorized Tagged With: , ,

Ode To Ish

October 29, 2012 by 2 Comments

Second Place

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

Yesterday, after yet another deadline missed, I thought of This:

Though not submitted “by precisely seven p.m.” – as required by the rules –

it was, in fact, delivered at Seven-ish.

And then I wondered whether I – and the world too – have long been Remiss,

in failing to acknowledge how much I – and we –  owe to Ish.

If you can’t be the best in your field, in your time, or even be on time, at least be close; be Ish –

make that your goal, your niche, your Wish.

 

In this competitive world, where non-winners are too often labeled losers, it’s Nice,

when something less than best can Suffice;

I cheer whenever an Olympic champion, unable to capture gold –

any average Joe, Pierre, Juan, Gretchen, or Hans –

comes home a hero, proudly wearing silver or Bronze.

God bless those of us who were never the best but had the Stuff –

to be, well… just good Enough.

 

It’s hard, is it not, to see ourselves as others Do?

I, for example, was always a wonderfully attentive lover, as many along the way would testify acknowledge as being True.

I never once had cause to ask, “Was I your Best?

Or, “Are you satisfied, my Dearest?”

For I suspected that even if not completely satisfactory as I might have aspired or Wished,

I was surely – between the sheets – sexually speaking, Satisfactory… ish.

But I must confess how deeply it pained me when a lover,

seemingly spent, whispered moistly and softly in my ear, “I am Satisfied… ish.”

 

There should be a marker somewhere, maybe even a monument, made of marble, to honor the contributions of Ish;

something like the Washington Monument would do.

Well, maybe not that big, and, maybe, not that monumental but surely, you know, well…

Washington Monument-ish. 

Filed Under: All, Rants & Raves, Rhymes & Poetry-ish Tagged With: , , , ,

Tea Party Tea-Bagged As Romney Reverses Position On Gay Marriage

October 28, 2012 by 1 Comment

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

Mitt Romney’s announced his support for “a really neat idea”, namely that gays and lesbians would be permitted to marry but not divorce.  “You can’t fight to get out of a club your demanding admission to,” Romney reasoned.

Revealed at a secret Republican Think-Tank, held this week in Oxymoronica, Kansas, Senator Closet’s plan would allow same-sex marriages but would not permit such marriages to be terminated by annulment or divorce.

A spokesperson for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance said that same-sex couples are entitled to the same rights as heterosexual couples, which includes, “… the right to marry and divorce.”  But in a startling development, a spokesperson at the Vatican speaking for the Pope said, “The Holy Father favors any law that prevents divorce and upholds the sanctity of marriage.”  Asked later whether this represented a tacit approval of same-sex marriage, the Pope explained, “Some of my best friends are gays and lesbians, but I wouldn’t want to marry one – joke joke.  Come on – lighten up.”  Immediately thereafter an emergency meeting at the Vatican was held behind closed doors.  Though later denied by the Vatican, a reliable source within the Vatican, who requested not to be named, said the Pope was sent to bed early without his beads or dessert.

Filed Under: All, Political-ish, Rants & Raves, Relationships, Satire-ish Tagged With: , ,

Romney Favors Don’t Get Out The Vote Law for Democrats

October 28, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Rising costs related to getting out the vote could be eliminated if the Democrats would just stay home on election day. So concluded presidential candidate Mitt Romney. As per a cell-phone video, leaked to the press, last night, in a private meeting of party leaders, Romney urged for passage of a federal law making it illegal for Democrats to vote on election day.  Advised that such a law might run afoul of constitutional protections, Romney suggested a law requiring voters to bring a horse with them on election day – as proof of citizenship.  Romney continued, “I don’t know anyone who doesn’t own a horse or two. 

The leaders were convened to implement ways to stop or suppress Democrats from voting. Made up of mostly the old, the poor, the young, and the brown and black-skinned, Romney wondered,  “What do they all have in common?”.  Romney immediately provided the answer: “Most of them don’t have their money stashed away in the Cayman Islands, and, I’d bet anyone $20 million they don’t have picture i.d.; and even if they do, they don’t have maids and servants to find it for them like we do.” 

Senator Noah I. Cue suggested the media might get wind of this idea and expose it in the press. “Relax,” Romney assured the party leaders, “The media never covers real news. We’ll send out some more pictures and stats on Paul Ryan’s body weight and fat content. That’ll keep the media busy till Christmas.”

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Romney’s Illegal Jewish, Mexican Employee Found on Roof of Car

October 27, 2012 by Leave a Comment

“Mitt Romney employs an illegal Jewish Mexican alien in his home,” according to a CBS report.   A family source confirmed that the illegal immigrant resides at a Romney residence but he is being carouseled from house to house, to avoid detection, among Romney’s homes in Sarasota,  Martha’ Vineyard, Vale, Colorado; Utah and New Hampshire.  A spokesperson for Mr. Romney has “categorically denied” that an illegal immigrant “now resides in Romney’s home in Vale, Colorado.”  He also accused unnamed persons in the White House for, “… fabricating portions of this story that may turn out to be true.”

In a related story, an unidentified son of Governor Romney said he saw a “… brown-skinned Mexican looking person, wearing a Romney for President button on his jacket …” leaving the Romney residence in Sarasota, Florida, at 5:15 this morning, with a suitcase in hand.  The candidate’s son said the man said his name was “Jesus Juan Goldstein when he was hired if he was hired.”

Mr. Romney’s campaign manager, He-Who-Is-So-Tired-Of-Denying-Stories-That-Everyone-Knows-Are-True, said he has been authorized by Romney to “say anything the American people are likely to believe and to remind the press again that Mr. Romney is very popular with his wife Anne.”  He-Who-Is-So-Tired-Of-Denying-Stories-That-Everyone-Knows-Are-True further stated that Romney firmly believes that Mr. Jesus Juan Goldstein should not be deported or self deported with all those other Mexicans because he is Jewish and the Jews should not be deported from any homeland during an election year even if they are Mexican.  Later, the former governor was overheard by a reporter telling his wife that, “Not even Nixon wanted to be president this badly.”

Filed Under: All, Political-ish, Satire-ish

Romney Hates Math And Directs The 47% To Just Go Away

October 24, 2012 by Leave a Comment

 

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said, “I was sorta, kinda misquoted when I said I didn’t care about 47% of  Americans who may receive some kind of assistance from their government.  To tell you the truth, I misquoted me in an inelegant way; and for that I apologize to me.”

Jimmy I-Tell-It-Like-It-Is, from the I-Can’t Believe-This-Is-News Gazette defended the press, shouting back to Romney, who was hiding behind a plastic bush on the stage, “We’re reporting only what you said.  No deletions. Word for word.  It’s your own videos that are contradicting you. You have met the enemy, Governor, and it is you.”

As the plastic bush self-ignited in flames, Romney exploded in anger, pointing a finger at Boyscout and retorted, “When I become president the first thing I’m gonna do is pass a law that makes it a crime for a news media outlet to publish anything that a politician has said in the past.  That way we don’t confuse the public when I say I’m pro-life and against gun control and then you bastards immediately show video of me saying I am pro-choice and in favor of gun control.  It only confuses the public, especially my 53%.  Also, regarding my base, I think anyone with an I.Q. over 12 should not be allowed to vote in a national election.  I think those people showing up at the polls with signs and opinions only confuses my base.”

When the candidate was told that this was different than his explanation from yesterday, Mr. Romney stormed across the stage shouting behind him, “Will someone please piss on that burning bush and tell me again why I can’t say I was brainwashed.”

Filed Under: All, Political-ish, Satire-ish

Court Decides Voters May Be Intimidated & Harassed Before Voting

October 19, 2012 by 1 Comment

In an King Solomon-ish opinion, a Pennsylvania court decided voters without proper photo i.d.  can be humiliated and threatened but cannot be prevented from voting.  In a companion case, the same Court is expected to rule later today on a second law passed by the Republican controlled Pennsylvania legislature.  As decided in that second case, loaded guns can be pointed at voters unable to produce proper i.d., but election officials will not be permitted to fire those weapons at voters “… to intimidate them.”   It was not clear whether the court was upholding a poll official’s rights to shoot voters if the intention was not to intimate them.  The judge, who signed both of these decisions, was not available to comment but was observed exiting the Courthouse muttering to himself, “I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date!”, before this model of muddled jurisprudence stumbled down a rabbit hole into Wonderland.  The National Rifle Association, through a spokesperson, applauded the decisions stating that, “Anything less than permitting citizens to point loaded weapons at other citizens, would have a chilling effect upon our democracy and the second amendment.”  When asked to comment, Mitt Romney said that any Mexicans disappearing down rabbit holes in an attempt to get to Wonderland would be self-deported under a Romney administration and was later heard lamenting to his wife Ann as he left a scheduled event, “Even Nixon didn’t want to be president this badly.”

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: All, Political-ish, Rants & Raves, Satire-ish Tagged With: , , ,
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