In shocking news, with ramifications to financial markets around the globe, al Qaeda today announced “Mission Accomplished” in its obsessive quest to destroy the United States.  “We did it,” an al Qaeda spokesperson said today, with tears of joy in his eyes, “but we must acknowledge that we couldn’t have brought down this once world power without the aid, support, and assistance of the U.S. Congress. The Congress has worked tirelessly to destroy itself and the United States. To the Tea Party, we will always be especially grateful.”

In a brief announcement, from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Al Qaeda could never destroy the United States.  It always lacked the willpower, the single-minded determination, and resources necessary to bring down this great, great nation.  Only Americans, with single digit I.Q.’s and an infant’s grasp of worldwide financial consequences, could have pulled this off.  In the end, al Qaeda realized, at its highest levels of command, that only Americans could destroy America.”

When told that al Qaeda singled her out for special thanks, U.S. House Representative Michele Bachmann, with her usual uniquely keen grasp of the issues, told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer,  “When I was a little girl, my daddy told me that we were better off ‘Red than Dead’, and today I tell you, Wolf, that we are better off Dead than Alive with every American saddled with health care.”

“Who knew,” said the al Qaeda spokesperson, “that good old Americans, like Michele Bachman, were our greatest deeply embedded weapons.”