Dumbest Ass on Earth Awarded To Curt Schilling

Satire-ish's Horse's Ass Award

 

 

Former major league pitcher and ESPN Sports Analyst Curt Schilling has won this year’s coveted Dumbest Ass on Earth Award. An emotionally charged Schilling told this reporter, “I am humbled. Finally, at long last, I am getting the national recognition I deserve.”

 

In November of 2014, according to a CNN report, Schilling said, during a Boston radio broadcast, that the only reason he has not been elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame, “Is because I am a Republican.” Millions of Republicans tweeted that Schilling could never say anything more stupid than that. They were wrong.

Schilling was suspended by ESPN after he tweeted: “It’s said that only 5-10% of Muslims are extremists. In 1940, only 7% of Germans were Nazis. How’d that go?”

While still under suspension, yesterday, after the 1st Democratic Presidential Debate, Schilling tweeted that, “ISIS was the real winner of the debate.” An hour later, Schilling admitted he had neither watched, nor listened, to the debate. No one was surprised.

Fellow contenders for Dumbest Ass on Earth screamed “fowl” arguing that Schilling only said this to prove, beyond any reasonable doubt, that he was the most deserving of all the Asses nominated.

Upon accepting the award, Schilling boasted proudly, “Look at my body of work. My whole life everything I have ever said has prepared me to be deserving of this honor.”  None in attendance disagreed.

Others nominated, this year, for Dumbest Ass on Earth, earning Honorable Mention, included:

1. Rep. Todd Akin (Missouri) for his misogynist stance against abortion stating that “In cases of legitimate rape… a woman’s body will block an unwanted pregnancy.”

2. Rand Paul: “Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be ‘constitutional’ does not make it so.”

3. Ben Carson, brain surgeon and Presidential candidate: “ObamaCare is the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery.”  His comment led many voters to conclude that, perhaps, brain surgery isn’t brain surgery.

4. Rick Santorum’s statement that rape victims ought not have a right to an abortion: “Accept what God has given to you… rape victims should make the best of a bad situation.”

5. Donald Trump “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best… They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.” Trump is still a contender for the Often Wrong, Never In Doubt Award.

6. Bernie Sanders: “I am, absolutely, in favor of gun control but I have consistently voted against it.”  Upon hearing this, Secretary of State John Kerry (famous for his, “I voted for it before I voted against it.”) lamented, “I wish I had said that.”

Yes, Yes, Marco Rubio Can Hold His Own

Marco Rubio Holds His Own - CopyMarco Rubio Holds His Own 2Marco Rubio Holds His Own

(Editorial Note: As a result of this interview, Senator Rubio has earned, and will appear on, next month’s cover of AsssЯUs.)

With Obama mustering 70% of the Hispanic vote – the fastest growing demographic voting bloc – the GOP is desperately wishing for a 2016 Latino Miracle. But how? But wait. Look. Up in the sky. Is that a bird? A plane? No, it’s Florida’s Marco Rubio, Super-Latino….. well, sorta.

This week Senator Rubio sat down with our Bessie Moskowitz:

Bessie: So what’s a nice boy like you doing in a gang, Marco? What a Shanda. You’re going to break your mother’s heart.

Rubio:  No, the Gang of Eight are all U.S Senators. We wrote an Immigration bill creating a path to citizenship for some 11 million illegal residents.

Bessie: Why reward illegals with amnesty?

Rubio:  Amnesty? Oy Vey, Bessie. God forbid. The GOP forgives no one. But listen to my story. Here’s a hanky. My parents were immigrants. They escaped from Cuba to pursue freedoms they were denied under Castro.

Bessie: Didn’t your parents come here two years before Castro came to power?

Rubio: Well, technically, yes.

Bessie: So, you’re story is bullshit, right?

Rubio: Polls overwhelming indicate mine is a compelling narrative, and, my mendacity notwithstanding, is a repeatable, electable story.

Bessie: But Cubans, by law, cannot be illegal immigrants. All Cubans exiles are refugees, guaranteed automatic citizenship within 5 years, right?

Rubio: Yea, sure, but Cubans are also Latinos. We are all equal here, but some of us, I’ll admit, are more equal than others.  What could be more American?

Bessie: I’m confused. A Mexican who crosses the border can’t work legally and is subject to deportation. And under your bill pays a $2,000 fine, must learn to speak English, and wait 13 years before applying for citizenship. But a Cuban who sneaks onto our shores can’t be deported and is guaranteed citizenship in 5 years. Is that right?

The Portrait of Marco Rubio

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rubio:  What’s your point, Bessie? Please focus on how handsome I am.

Bessie: Now I see why most non-Cuban Hispanics call you a hypocrite. Senator, you’re what my generation calls a real schmuck.

Rubio:  Thanks, Bessie. As a presidential candidate, currying favor with the conservative, tea bagging base of my party, while staying loyal to my Cuban roots, I am trying to attract non-Cuban Latinos. I should like to see Houdini pull that trick off.

Bessie: You do pass the litmus paper schmuck test.

Rubio: Say what you want, but I designed an easy path for citizenship. All you have to do is go to Oz, kill the witch, bring home the ruby red slippers, the witch’s broom; and within six months win Dancing With The Stars and Olympic Gold in both the Summer and Winter Olympics, and, finally, be elected CEO of a Fortune 500 Company.

Bessie: Of the 11 million illegal residents, how many will obtain citizenship this way?

Rubio: Hard to guess, really. The path is there. Those who want it, will follow.

Bessie:  Of the 11 million, I’m guessing 6 or 7 people might get citizenship this way.

Rubio: Sounds about right. I see the green light went off. Nice interview. Okay. Well, to be honest with you, Bessie, it would be easier for 11 million illegals to take a Carnival Cruise to Cuba and upon returning to Florida demand immediate refugee status and citizenship as Cuban exiles.  We call that the VIP Path.

 

Americans Fleeing to Bomb Shelters at Sight of Obama Packing a Weapon

obama aggressive about gun-control

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

Upon learning that President Obama acquired his skeet rifle from the cold dead hands of Charlton Heston, the Republican leadership promised immediate legislation requiring registration of all guns owned, or possessed, by registered Democrats. The National Rifle Association released a statement doubting the legitimacy of the photograph of the President firing a skeet rifle. “The picture was obviously Photoshopped.” Former House Speaker Pelosi immediately denied the NRA’s accusation and released a picture of Obama wedged between the faces of Washington and Jefferson at Mount Rushmore.”

At a hastily arranged press conference, Republican Congressman, and former Vice Presidential candidate, Paul Ryan said, “I’m shocked that a Democrat would own a gun. It just doesn’t happen in a civilized society.  What’s next? Armed Democrats protecting abortion clinics.  It’s wrong, it’s dangerous and it ought to be stopped. I know it may not be politically correct to say this, but that’s what happens when you let those elite, over-educated, inner-city types into the White House.”

In response to a reporter asking Congressman Ryan whether there could be a deeper meaning to Obama firing a rifle at Camp David, Ryan said, “I’ve seen a recent Harvard study that said Democrats are genetically incapable of owning or firing a weapon. If that’s true, Obama is really a Republican. If that’s true, WE WON!!  Oh my God. The Republicans Won! Excuse me, I have to go work on my acceptance speech and get Biden the hell out of my office.”

On Gun Control Biden Promises To Get It Done, Not Get It Right

Mr. VP, Where's The Men's Room?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

VP Biden confirmed today that President Obama rejected spending months on a comprehensive gun control plan because he wants to strike while the iron is hot.  Biden said, “I asked Michelle what she thought her husband meant by that and she said he wants to act now while there’s a ‘tight window of opportunity’. Next week I will deliver a hot iron through a tight window. In Washington, when you can’t get it right, get it done.”

Biden continued, “Our task force has one week to find a way to keep guns out of the hands of criminals.” Biden favors language in any proposed legislation that would deny weapon ownership to anyone who has ever received a doctor’s prescription for antidepressants.” Biden acknowledged that this might eliminate a substantial portion of Americans from owning weapons. Biden added, “I’m just spit-balling here – with no silver bullet – but, you know, if we also prohibit the obese from owning guns, we would virtually eliminate gun ownership in this country. When asked if he agreed that such a proposal seemed half-baked at best, Biden said the Congress and the White House have a tradition of implementing half-baked ideas. “Repeat after me,” Biden chanted, “When it must be done now, getting it right is not an option.”

California’s Senator Barbara Boxer, who has been drafting gun control legislation for almost three decades was given thirty seconds to address the task force. She supports $50 million federal funding for schools to hire police officers and install surveillance equipment. But Biden opposes an NRA initiative to have every school equipped with private drones that explode when wires are tripped in school hallways or unattended bathrooms to deter strangers from entering schools, however, Biden admitted that such a plan would probably deter students from smoking in school hallways or bathrooms.

In today’s fiscal climate, a reporter asked whether a Republican controlled House would support massive federal funding for schools to get armed guards and surveillance equipment and expanding mental health services? “Of course not,” Biden acknowledged. “But we will get a bill to the president this week while the window is hot, and you can quote me on that.”

Biden could not explain the logic of always passing legislation in a panicked, emergency environment, but he did defend it.  “That’s how we do things in Washington. When you don’t have the votes to get it right, get it the hell off the front pages. Look at Healthcare. Forty million Americans without healthcare and most of them were against it. What a mess, but we got it done. Check the box and move on.  Did we fall off the Fiscal Cliff?  No way. Did we accomplish anything of value?  No way.  Look at our embassies. We had a security crisis at several of our embassies abroad and Congress acted immediately – well, after two years of hearings – by implementing a plan – not a comprehensive plan, not a good plan – but some good old-fashioned bi-partisan, under-funded sausage that ought to make you proud to be an American. Well, maybe this isn’t the best example.”

In a related story, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today he would be introducing legislation, modeled after the “overwhelming success of the Fiscal Cliff scenario,” that would give Congress a sixty-day deadline to pass comprehensive gun control legislation.”  Boehner said, “But here’s the really neat part: The bill further provides that if Congress misses the sixty day deadline, the government must immediately deliver twenty assault weapons and five thousand rounds of ammunition to anyone convicted of a felony.”

VP Biden said he, “loves deadlines” and once again is looking forward to working with Boehner and  Congress.

When The World Ends Today What Happens to the Fiscal Cliff

Boehner at Press Conference

 

House Speaker Boehner, concerned about the Mayan apocalypse, scheduled to end life on earth today, met earlier this morning at the White House, with President Obama to discuss how the destruction of earth might further delay negotiations to avoid the fiscal cliff.

Later, at a hastily arranged press conference Speaker Boehner, said, “I have canvassed the 242 House Republicans and can share with my fellow Americans that a majority of House Republicans believe with 99% certainty that the world will end today. To put the seriousness of this matter in context, three times as many Republicans believe the world will end today than believe in global warming.  In light of this development, I met with President Obama to discuss what the impact might be on the economy should we go over the Fiscal Cliff after the earth is destroyed. The President, I am sorry to report, refuses to take my concerns seriously, but I should let President Obama speak for himself.”

A weary Obama took the podium and read a brief statement: “The Speaker, believing the world will end today, wants to postpone negotiations on the Fiscal Cliff until after the earth is destroyed.  In a related matter, the Speaker also advised me that since the world was coming to an end today, the Republican Caucus is now prepared to stand up to the National Rifle Association and consider legislation intended to limit the distribution and sale of semi-automatic weapons.”

In response to a reporter’s question, Speaker Boehner said, “It is time to show courage and to do the right thing.” To symbolize that act of courage, Boehner tore up his NRA membership card in front of a shocked audience of reporters.  When told later by his administrative aide there was a chance in a million, just a very, very small chance, that the world might not end today, the Speaker was seen crawling around the then empty stage picking up pieces of his membership card muttering to himself, “That’s why I don’t believe anything scientists say. They don’t agree on anything. Smoke, don’t smoke; eat eggs, don’t eat eggs; butter is better than lard; everyone I know knows the world will end today but Senator Kerry told me yesterday that nobody is going anywhere until he is nominated to be the next Secretary of State.”

House Speaker Boehner Buys Condo Overlooking Fiscal Cliff

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

House Speaker Boehner’s office confirmed today the Speaker has moved into a spacious new home on the edge of the Fiscal Cliff but denied this purchase was an ominous signal that negotiations with the White House to solve the fiscal crisis were deteriorating. The Speaker said, “Golly gee no. The Fiscal Cliff is a lovely neighborhood; and to make it safer I am proposing legislation that will make both global warming and any financial crisis illegal.”  The Speaker then rushed off to his new condo on the Fiscal Cliff to “enjoy the view” singing to himself, “The country’s in the very best of hands, the best of hands…”

Later, Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell announced he intends to introduce similar legislation in the Senate, adding, “My primary goal for the next four years is to make sure President Obama is not reelected.”   After McConnell was informed by a reporter that Obama was prohibited by the U.S. Constitution from seeking a third-term, McConnell seemed truly shocked.  “Are you sure about that?” McConnell asked. “If that’s true, what the hell are we fighting about?”

When a White House spokesperson was asked whether the President would sign such legislation outlawing global warming and a fiscal crisis, all he said was, “Dumber than dirt, dumber than dirt.”  It was not clear immediately to this reporter which question the spokesperson was responding to.

 

Romney Favors Don’t Get Out The Vote Law for Democrats

Rising costs related to getting out the vote could be eliminated if the Democrats would just stay home on election day. So concluded presidential candidate Mitt Romney. As per a cell-phone video, leaked to the press, last night, in a private meeting of party leaders, Romney urged for passage of a federal law making it illegal for Democrats to vote on election day.  Advised that such a law might run afoul of constitutional protections, Romney suggested a law requiring voters to bring a horse with them on election day – as proof of citizenship.  Romney continued, “I don’t know anyone who doesn’t own a horse or two. 

The leaders were convened to implement ways to stop or suppress Democrats from voting. Made up of mostly the old, the poor, the young, and the brown and black-skinned, Romney wondered,  “What do they all have in common?”.  Romney immediately provided the answer: “Most of them don’t have their money stashed away in the Cayman Islands, and, I’d bet anyone $20 million they don’t have picture i.d.; and even if they do, they don’t have maids and servants to find it for them like we do.” 

Senator Noah I. Cue suggested the media might get wind of this idea and expose it in the press. “Relax,” Romney assured the party leaders, “The media never covers real news. We’ll send out some more pictures and stats on Paul Ryan’s body weight and fat content. That’ll keep the media busy till Christmas.”