Dumbest Ass on Earth Awarded To Curt Schilling

Satire-ish's Horse's Ass Award

 

 

Former major league pitcher and ESPN Sports Analyst Curt Schilling has won this year’s coveted Dumbest Ass on Earth Award. An emotionally charged Schilling told this reporter, “I am humbled. Finally, at long last, I am getting the national recognition I deserve.”

 

In November of 2014, according to a CNN report, Schilling said, during a Boston radio broadcast, that the only reason he has not been elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame, “Is because I am a Republican.” Millions of Republicans tweeted that Schilling could never say anything more stupid than that. They were wrong.

Schilling was suspended by ESPN after he tweeted: “It’s said that only 5-10% of Muslims are extremists. In 1940, only 7% of Germans were Nazis. How’d that go?”

While still under suspension, yesterday, after the 1st Democratic Presidential Debate, Schilling tweeted that, “ISIS was the real winner of the debate.” An hour later, Schilling admitted he had neither watched, nor listened, to the debate. No one was surprised.

Fellow contenders for Dumbest Ass on Earth screamed “fowl” arguing that Schilling only said this to prove, beyond any reasonable doubt, that he was the most deserving of all the Asses nominated.

Upon accepting the award, Schilling boasted proudly, “Look at my body of work. My whole life everything I have ever said has prepared me to be deserving of this honor.”  None in attendance disagreed.

Others nominated, this year, for Dumbest Ass on Earth, earning Honorable Mention, included:

1. Rep. Todd Akin (Missouri) for his misogynist stance against abortion stating that “In cases of legitimate rape… a woman’s body will block an unwanted pregnancy.”

2. Rand Paul: “Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be ‘constitutional’ does not make it so.”

3. Ben Carson, brain surgeon and Presidential candidate: “ObamaCare is the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery.”  His comment led many voters to conclude that, perhaps, brain surgery isn’t brain surgery.

4. Rick Santorum’s statement that rape victims ought not have a right to an abortion: “Accept what God has given to you… rape victims should make the best of a bad situation.”

5. Donald Trump “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best… They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.” Trump is still a contender for the Often Wrong, Never In Doubt Award.

6. Bernie Sanders: “I am, absolutely, in favor of gun control but I have consistently voted against it.”  Upon hearing this, Secretary of State John Kerry (famous for his, “I voted for it before I voted against it.”) lamented, “I wish I had said that.”

CHRISTIE SAYS SHUT-UP TO 3 YEAR-OLD & Taps Putin

 

Chris Christy Bullies Three Year-Old

Chris Christy Bullies Three Year-Old

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This morning, in a desperate attempt to restore his increasingly damaged image from “Bridgegate”, Governor Chris Christie met with angry and undecided voters in Fort Lee, New Jersey. When told she would not vote for him because he was a “schoolyard bully”, Christie interrupted the three year-old and told her to “Shut-up”. Later, Christie explained his outburst as follows, “I never took any shit from three year-olds when I was teenager, and I see no reason to start now.”

 

Hang Down Your Head Chris Christie, Hang Down Your Head And Cry

Hang Down Your Head Chris Christie, Hang Down Your Head And Cry

In an unrelated story, a cell-phone video recorded Christie saying, ” I’d be honored to run for President of The United States on the same ticket with Vladimir Putin. I admire his in-your-face, New Jersey style, take-no-prisoners attitude. While I continue to deny any responsibility for shutting down the George Washington Bridge, I admit, now, it would have sent a much clearer message, to Democrats and all my enemies, to simply beat them with horse-whips.  And, yes, I confirm rumors that I requested, from Russian President Putin, a plane-load of Cossacks, who will join my administration upon arrival.”

Putting his verbal attack on the three year-old child and comments about Putin in a more favorable context, a spokesperson for Governor Christie said, “The Governor, as always, consistently and adamantly takes no responsibility for what goes in, or comes out of, his mouth.”

Obama & Putin Agree to Couples Counseling

Obama Putin Agree To Couples  Counseling

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia – At the G20 Summit, today, Presidents Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin announced they have agreed to submit immediately to Couples Counseling.

While both leaders point to “irreconcilable differences”, Putin said, “Counseling is our last chance to avoid an ugly, tear-filled scene quarreling over whether to “bomb the shit out of Syria” or simply to kick the chemical weapons “red line” down the road a bit.”

According to a story by Peter Baker, appearing in today’s NYTimes, “… Mr. Obama acknowledged that ‘we’ve kind of hit a wall’ in relations and “… we should …not sugarcoat them.'”

Couples Counselors R USCommenting on the announcement, close friends of the Super-Couple are thrilled but expressed shock and awe that Obama and Putin have selected Bill Clinton and disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner to mediate their relationship issues.

When asked to comment, Mr. Obama shouted to the crowd of assembled reporters, as he and Putin took off, hand-in-hand, down a secluded garden path, “Clinton and Weiner have both demonstrated magical, manipulative powers at saving their own marriages that seemed, to most, beyond hope. Puttie and I are confident they can save us from each other.”

As the world’s most powerful couple exited, this reporter overheard Putin whispering sofly in Obama’s hear,”Poisen shmoisen. Poisen shmoisen. Your baseball World Series starts soon in October, honey-bunch, and, believe me, nobody will remember where your red line used to be.”

Spitzer Offers To Pay For Women’s Vote One Vote At A Time

Weiner7- Real Men Commit AdultryResizedWith a week left in the New York race for Comptroller, candidate Elliot Spitzer, the dick-for-brains-wanna-be-mayor-oops-comptroller, tried a Kennedy-ish rhetorical appeal for the women’s vote:

“My Daddy said everyone has their price.  So, ask not what your city can do for this piece of shit, but ask rather what this piece of shit can do for you?  Am I not the same man who spent $80,000 a year on prostitutes, contributing to these young girl’s economic stability and upward mobility? Who better to chase the whores on Wall St. than a man who has spent his entire adult life spending daddy’s fortune chasing whores up and down the East Coast? 

Question from Reporter #1:  Why should we support your candidacy if your wife doesn’t?

I’m so glad you asked that question.  Were my wife here today would she not say that I am the same man who chose to not burden, nor bother, his wife with his primal urges, fantasies of mediocrity and other unmentionable sexual proclivities?  I have shoe-boxes full of receipts to prove how much I do not bother my wife.  Do you dare think I am not adored and loved by these women?

Audience: No, no, no !!!

No?  Well let me ask it this way: Compared to the other pieces of shit, who have embarrassed themselves running for political office, am I not a more educated, upper-crusted, entitled, son of wealthy real estate tycoon and more likeable guy than say Donald Trump?

Audience: No, no, no !!!

 Question from Reporter #2: Why should we elect a man who broke the laws he was elected to enforce?

Yes, I am humbled by that question; and, yes, I am a servant of the law even though I am well above the reach of the law that is enacted solely to keep the little people in their place, blah, blah, blah …  And, I hasten to add, I do not dye my hair, nor do I comb it over like some Zero Mostel-Donald Trump look alike.  And I will never, ever embarrass you by sexting my genitals to anyone as long as my wife continues to stand next to me, whenever my dick, acting sua esponte, on a frolic of its own, takes control of my life and my sacred honor.

And, in closing, if you are reading this speech please know that as I speak, great big, salty tears are rolling down my upper-class, chalky white cheeks — designed to show all the little people how god-damned sincere I am and to get them off their fat lower-class asses and to the poles next Tuesday to elect me again to a position of trust.  And if elected, I promise to screw you all.

Politicians Start Your Engines: New York Sexual Deviants Get Ready, On Your Mark — Run

Weiner7- Real Men Commit AdultryResized

Weiner3

kim-jong-un  3

 

 

 

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer addresses the media with his wife Silda Wall at his office in New York, on March 12, 2008 to announce that he will resign from office after revelations that he had been a client of a prostitution ring. The resignation will

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer addresses the media with his wife Silda Wall at his office in New York, on March 12, 2008 to announce that he will resign from office after revelations that he had been a client of a prostitution ring. The resignation will

 

 

After disgraced New York politicians Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer both announced their intention to seek public office again this fall, North Korean Supreme Looney Bird Kim Jong-un announced his intention to run for Mayor of Gotham City. But the more shocking story is political newcomer, Peter Pedophile, announcing, today, his candidacy for Mayor of New York.

“If Weiner and Spitzer are throwing their junk into the ring, groveling and begging forgiveness,” Pedophile said, “why shouldn’t I? ”

According to a New York Times interview by Michael Barbaro, Elliot Spitzer insisted his three daughters – but not necessarily his wife – support his candidacy. Spitzer said, “Women are stopping me in the street asking me to run.”  And surveys show ninety-nine percent of the street walkers in Manhattan support Spitzer. Across from Spitzer headquarters, a lone prostitute stands holding a sign that reads, “We want our own John in City Hall.”

When asked to comment on Weiner’s stomp subway station speech comparing his life to tribulations suffered by Franklin Roosevelt and Nelson Mandella, Peter Pedophile said  “Yea, that makes sense. I think FDR contracting polio is identical to Weiner hearing voices that led him to uncontrollably tweet his penis to teenage girls.”

Pedophile continued, “But I’m lost with Weiner’s Mandella comparison. Someone in Weiner headquarters explained that one to me stating, ‘It’s simple and it’s catchy: Weiner is to Mandella as shit is to champagne.'”

Weiner1Pedophile acknowledged he lacks the name recognition of either Weiner or Spitzer, but he swore, “I can grovel and beg forgiveness with the best of them,” If elected, I will embarrass myself, my family and betray the electorate’s sacred trust. I promise to drag my wife to the podium to stand by me while I slobber all over myself before running for reelection.”

“I am the best candidate. Sure, I‘m a piece of shit but I‘m a better class of shit than Spitzer. I did not commit a crime in one jurisdiction I swore in another to enforce. Not me, not yet.”

In the current environment, political insiders believe Kim Jong-un is the front runner as he may be the most normal one in the bunch.

Anthony Weiner Coming Soon to a Circus Near You

ASS'S R US -L   

 MAGAZINE… 

                     BRINGS YOU THE ANTHONY WEINER SHOW

Weiner3

Weiner1

 

 

 Weiner1

 

 

 

Spitzer: “Welcome. I’m Eliot Spitzer, former Attorney General and Governor of New York, devoted dad, life-long Yankees fan and prostitute-addicted adulterer, and your moderator. Please turn your attention to the center ring, where the amazing Anthony Weiner, is stuffing 100 pounds of Chutzpah in a 10 pound bag.”  

Weiner: “I’m here today asking for your forgiveness, your money and your vote. Honestly, my brother Jason was right when he said, in a  NYTimes article, that there was ‘definitely a douchiness about’ me. But Jason also said, since I’ve been running for Mayor of New York City, I’m not as douchey.” 

Spitzer: “How do you intend to re-invent yourself from disgraced Congressman who Time Magazine voted ‘The Most Icky Guy in New York’?”  

Weiner:  “Well, I take two aspirins a day, I don’t tweet no more, and I’ve been in intensive psychotherapy for two weeks. Hey, ‘no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public’… Oops! My wife Huma just signaled me to say I didn’t mean to say that. And I know Huma begged me not to say this, but if it helps the good people of New York, I promise to twitter pictures of my penis to every house in America, including the White House.” 

Spitzer: “But still, I wonder, with 4.2 million normal adults eligible to run for mayor of New York City, why should anyone vote for such an icky, slime-ball guy as you? No offense intended.”

 Weiner:  “None taken, Spitz. Politicians shouldn’t act like their better than their neighbors.  And I think a guy’s gotta be part slime-ball to succeed in this town. And if that’s true, I’ll sink or swim with my Motto:

               I’m slimier than anyone you know, but I’m not as douchey as I used to be.” 


Yes, Yes, Marco Rubio Can Hold His Own

Marco Rubio Holds His Own - CopyMarco Rubio Holds His Own 2Marco Rubio Holds His Own

(Editorial Note: As a result of this interview, Senator Rubio has earned, and will appear on, next month’s cover of AsssЯUs.)

With Obama mustering 70% of the Hispanic vote – the fastest growing demographic voting bloc – the GOP is desperately wishing for a 2016 Latino Miracle. But how? But wait. Look. Up in the sky. Is that a bird? A plane? No, it’s Florida’s Marco Rubio, Super-Latino….. well, sorta.

This week Senator Rubio sat down with our Bessie Moskowitz:

Bessie: So what’s a nice boy like you doing in a gang, Marco? What a Shanda. You’re going to break your mother’s heart.

Rubio:  No, the Gang of Eight are all U.S Senators. We wrote an Immigration bill creating a path to citizenship for some 11 million illegal residents.

Bessie: Why reward illegals with amnesty?

Rubio:  Amnesty? Oy Vey, Bessie. God forbid. The GOP forgives no one. But listen to my story. Here’s a hanky. My parents were immigrants. They escaped from Cuba to pursue freedoms they were denied under Castro.

Bessie: Didn’t your parents come here two years before Castro came to power?

Rubio: Well, technically, yes.

Bessie: So, you’re story is bullshit, right?

Rubio: Polls overwhelming indicate mine is a compelling narrative, and, my mendacity notwithstanding, is a repeatable, electable story.

Bessie: But Cubans, by law, cannot be illegal immigrants. All Cubans exiles are refugees, guaranteed automatic citizenship within 5 years, right?

Rubio: Yea, sure, but Cubans are also Latinos. We are all equal here, but some of us, I’ll admit, are more equal than others.  What could be more American?

Bessie: I’m confused. A Mexican who crosses the border can’t work legally and is subject to deportation. And under your bill pays a $2,000 fine, must learn to speak English, and wait 13 years before applying for citizenship. But a Cuban who sneaks onto our shores can’t be deported and is guaranteed citizenship in 5 years. Is that right?

The Portrait of Marco Rubio

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rubio:  What’s your point, Bessie? Please focus on how handsome I am.

Bessie: Now I see why most non-Cuban Hispanics call you a hypocrite. Senator, you’re what my generation calls a real schmuck.

Rubio:  Thanks, Bessie. As a presidential candidate, currying favor with the conservative, tea bagging base of my party, while staying loyal to my Cuban roots, I am trying to attract non-Cuban Latinos. I should like to see Houdini pull that trick off.

Bessie: You do pass the litmus paper schmuck test.

Rubio: Say what you want, but I designed an easy path for citizenship. All you have to do is go to Oz, kill the witch, bring home the ruby red slippers, the witch’s broom; and within six months win Dancing With The Stars and Olympic Gold in both the Summer and Winter Olympics, and, finally, be elected CEO of a Fortune 500 Company.

Bessie: Of the 11 million illegal residents, how many will obtain citizenship this way?

Rubio: Hard to guess, really. The path is there. Those who want it, will follow.

Bessie:  Of the 11 million, I’m guessing 6 or 7 people might get citizenship this way.

Rubio: Sounds about right. I see the green light went off. Nice interview. Okay. Well, to be honest with you, Bessie, it would be easier for 11 million illegals to take a Carnival Cruise to Cuba and upon returning to Florida demand immediate refugee status and citizenship as Cuban exiles.  We call that the VIP Path.

 

Will Supreme Court Awaken from Self-induced Coma to Decide DOMA & Prop 8

2013 SC JusticesDear Honorable Justices,

Born in Louisiana, May 18, 1896, I will celebrate – unless God remembers where he left me – my one-hundred and seventeenth birthday come next May;
And I hope, you all, have the inclination to listen to what I now Say –
regarding my accumulated knowledge, suffice it to say, I Knows,
not from any wisdom gathered in my sails – but from my long view, the way the Wind Blows.

I query, please Note:
Are we sailing forward, backward, or about to scuttle this great Freedom Boat?

How do I awake thee from thy judicial Coma –
in time to muster the judicial testosterone necessary, to decide – yes or no – the legitimacy of Prop 8 and DOMA?
Interpreting our Constitution – I know – takes a long, long tedious Time.
Well, frankly, as none of you are in a hurry, I’ll tell you how I see the Defense Of Marriage Act, and I’ll do it in Rhyme.

I took my first breath the day Plessy v. Ferguson decided Louisiana could mandate  blacks and whites be accommodated by separate railway Car,
because the color of my newborn skin offended a majority of my white neighbors, both living near and Far.
That “experiment”, as Justice Alito might call it today, in segregation and “separate but equal“, ended, thanks to the courage of the Warren Court, in 1954,
when Brown v. the Board of Ed. held the States could hold me back no More.

See, while the black male part of me could vote since 1870, via the 15th Amendment,
my female part couldn’t vote until 1920 – via the 19th Amendment…
But I digress… for by ’54, though controversial, thanks to the 14th Amendment, I was finally, a full-fledged member of the human Community,
And no one could – any longer – deny me equal access or Opportunity.

Well, not quite. See, even with the female impediment and the black impediment clearly behind me, I was still destined, human being-wise, to Fail,
Cause my partner of fifty-two years, my mate, my wife – well, you guessed it, she is, like me, a Female.

So you can understand, your Honors, given my advanced age, how I hang on your every word trying to guess, whether my wife and Me,
Can finally marry wherever we choose, you know, Legally.
As I get it, Justice Alito, regarding same-sex marriage doesn’t want to be rushed in to extending this Equal Protection Thing,”
For, as he said, “It may turn out to be a good thing; it may turn out not to be a good Thing.”
Judiciously Logical?
No, no, just Alito’s keen grasp of the obvious, of the Tautological.

Oh, Let Freedom ring, let wedding bells ring; well, but not until, as Justice Scalia insists, we stop and tabulate whether most folks Concur,
as if it would take a decent man, a learned man, time to know, that denying equal opportunity could ever be right and fair for us, for me, for Her.

Scalia & Roberts

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Worried;
cause I’m afraid I’ll be long gone and Buried,
before someone slaps Chief Justice Roberts upside his chalky, white, uptight, heterosexual
Head,
for saying, [Other than the right to marry], “you same-sex couples have every other Right.” Don’t be coming to us for more; go to your lobbyists Instead.

No disrespect intended here, your Honors, but either go with the winds of Today,
Or get out of the Way.
You all may be destined to share a footnote in History, with all admiration and respect Denied,
and Remembered as the Roberts’ Court – the one that stood on the beach and Tried,
with a broom, to stop the incoming rushing Tide.

I refuse to accept the best you can do is defer, delay and honor Procrastination,
by finding, or implying, that one-hundred and seventeen years since my birth, since Plessy v. Ferguson,
I might, once again, be deemed to have less human rights than a Corporation.

Stay asleep, your Honors, with a safe “dismissal on jurisdictional grounds”, or awaken from your self-induced Coma,
But either way – know that I know, as will those who replace you, our equal protection clause unequivocally requires you to decide Now the legitimacy of Prop 8 and DOMA.

On Gun Control Biden Promises To Get It Done, Not Get It Right

Mr. VP, Where's The Men's Room?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

VP Biden confirmed today that President Obama rejected spending months on a comprehensive gun control plan because he wants to strike while the iron is hot.  Biden said, “I asked Michelle what she thought her husband meant by that and she said he wants to act now while there’s a ‘tight window of opportunity’. Next week I will deliver a hot iron through a tight window. In Washington, when you can’t get it right, get it done.”

Biden continued, “Our task force has one week to find a way to keep guns out of the hands of criminals.” Biden favors language in any proposed legislation that would deny weapon ownership to anyone who has ever received a doctor’s prescription for antidepressants.” Biden acknowledged that this might eliminate a substantial portion of Americans from owning weapons. Biden added, “I’m just spit-balling here – with no silver bullet – but, you know, if we also prohibit the obese from owning guns, we would virtually eliminate gun ownership in this country. When asked if he agreed that such a proposal seemed half-baked at best, Biden said the Congress and the White House have a tradition of implementing half-baked ideas. “Repeat after me,” Biden chanted, “When it must be done now, getting it right is not an option.”

California’s Senator Barbara Boxer, who has been drafting gun control legislation for almost three decades was given thirty seconds to address the task force. She supports $50 million federal funding for schools to hire police officers and install surveillance equipment. But Biden opposes an NRA initiative to have every school equipped with private drones that explode when wires are tripped in school hallways or unattended bathrooms to deter strangers from entering schools, however, Biden admitted that such a plan would probably deter students from smoking in school hallways or bathrooms.

In today’s fiscal climate, a reporter asked whether a Republican controlled House would support massive federal funding for schools to get armed guards and surveillance equipment and expanding mental health services? “Of course not,” Biden acknowledged. “But we will get a bill to the president this week while the window is hot, and you can quote me on that.”

Biden could not explain the logic of always passing legislation in a panicked, emergency environment, but he did defend it.  “That’s how we do things in Washington. When you don’t have the votes to get it right, get it the hell off the front pages. Look at Healthcare. Forty million Americans without healthcare and most of them were against it. What a mess, but we got it done. Check the box and move on.  Did we fall off the Fiscal Cliff?  No way. Did we accomplish anything of value?  No way.  Look at our embassies. We had a security crisis at several of our embassies abroad and Congress acted immediately – well, after two years of hearings – by implementing a plan – not a comprehensive plan, not a good plan – but some good old-fashioned bi-partisan, under-funded sausage that ought to make you proud to be an American. Well, maybe this isn’t the best example.”

In a related story, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today he would be introducing legislation, modeled after the “overwhelming success of the Fiscal Cliff scenario,” that would give Congress a sixty-day deadline to pass comprehensive gun control legislation.”  Boehner said, “But here’s the really neat part: The bill further provides that if Congress misses the sixty day deadline, the government must immediately deliver twenty assault weapons and five thousand rounds of ammunition to anyone convicted of a felony.”

VP Biden said he, “loves deadlines” and once again is looking forward to working with Boehner and  Congress.

When The World Ends Today What Happens to the Fiscal Cliff

Boehner at Press Conference

 

House Speaker Boehner, concerned about the Mayan apocalypse, scheduled to end life on earth today, met earlier this morning at the White House, with President Obama to discuss how the destruction of earth might further delay negotiations to avoid the fiscal cliff.

Later, at a hastily arranged press conference Speaker Boehner, said, “I have canvassed the 242 House Republicans and can share with my fellow Americans that a majority of House Republicans believe with 99% certainty that the world will end today. To put the seriousness of this matter in context, three times as many Republicans believe the world will end today than believe in global warming.  In light of this development, I met with President Obama to discuss what the impact might be on the economy should we go over the Fiscal Cliff after the earth is destroyed. The President, I am sorry to report, refuses to take my concerns seriously, but I should let President Obama speak for himself.”

A weary Obama took the podium and read a brief statement: “The Speaker, believing the world will end today, wants to postpone negotiations on the Fiscal Cliff until after the earth is destroyed.  In a related matter, the Speaker also advised me that since the world was coming to an end today, the Republican Caucus is now prepared to stand up to the National Rifle Association and consider legislation intended to limit the distribution and sale of semi-automatic weapons.”

In response to a reporter’s question, Speaker Boehner said, “It is time to show courage and to do the right thing.” To symbolize that act of courage, Boehner tore up his NRA membership card in front of a shocked audience of reporters.  When told later by his administrative aide there was a chance in a million, just a very, very small chance, that the world might not end today, the Speaker was seen crawling around the then empty stage picking up pieces of his membership card muttering to himself, “That’s why I don’t believe anything scientists say. They don’t agree on anything. Smoke, don’t smoke; eat eggs, don’t eat eggs; butter is better than lard; everyone I know knows the world will end today but Senator Kerry told me yesterday that nobody is going anywhere until he is nominated to be the next Secretary of State.”