In a Bold Move Obama Hits Putin Where It Hurts

Mulling Their OptionsIn retaliation for Vladimir Putin’s March 28th annexation of Crimea and threats to annex all of Eastern Ukraine, President Obama has moved quickly and decisively to punish the Russian President.

According to a May 5th New York Times article, Obama has pressured the top executives of PepsiCo, Morgan Stanley, and Alcoa to cancel plans to attend a party, in St Petersburg, hosted by Putin.  In a related story, the President has sent 10,000 federal troops to surround The Russian Tea Room in Manhattan and has encouraged his Cabinet members to abstain from eating Russian Dressing.

The immediate economic impact of these surgical strikes on the Russian economy is still being determined by the Office of Budget & Management, however, in an apparent act of reconciliation and contrition, according to not too reliable White House sources, Putin has sent a hand-written note to Obama promising to cancel plans to annex Detroit, Michigan and Camden, New Jersey.

“As much as we consider the annexation of Detroit and Camden as an immediate way to increase the mean income of the Russian people,” Putin wrote, “We will forego these plans if you allow PepsiCo to attend my party.”

The mood, today, has lightened dramatically at the White House, as the economic noose tightens around the Russian President.  Obama was quoted, screaming defiantly, from the Oval Office, “Let them drink Coke.  We’ll see how long they can hold out.”

In an unrelated story, President Obama’s approval rating has fallen further into single digits; and now rests between Comcast and liver cancer.

Obama & Putin Agree to Couples Counseling

Obama Putin Agree To Couples  Counseling

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia – At the G20 Summit, today, Presidents Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin announced they have agreed to submit immediately to Couples Counseling.

While both leaders point to “irreconcilable differences”, Putin said, “Counseling is our last chance to avoid an ugly, tear-filled scene quarreling over whether to “bomb the shit out of Syria” or simply to kick the chemical weapons “red line” down the road a bit.”

According to a story by Peter Baker, appearing in today’s NYTimes, “… Mr. Obama acknowledged that ‘we’ve kind of hit a wall’ in relations and “… we should …not sugarcoat them.'”

Couples Counselors R USCommenting on the announcement, close friends of the Super-Couple are thrilled but expressed shock and awe that Obama and Putin have selected Bill Clinton and disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner to mediate their relationship issues.

When asked to comment, Mr. Obama shouted to the crowd of assembled reporters, as he and Putin took off, hand-in-hand, down a secluded garden path, “Clinton and Weiner have both demonstrated magical, manipulative powers at saving their own marriages that seemed, to most, beyond hope. Puttie and I are confident they can save us from each other.”

As the world’s most powerful couple exited, this reporter overheard Putin whispering sofly in Obama’s hear,”Poisen shmoisen. Poisen shmoisen. Your baseball World Series starts soon in October, honey-bunch, and, believe me, nobody will remember where your red line used to be.”

Americans Fleeing to Bomb Shelters at Sight of Obama Packing a Weapon

obama aggressive about gun-control










A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

Upon learning that President Obama acquired his skeet rifle from the cold dead hands of Charlton Heston, the Republican leadership promised immediate legislation requiring registration of all guns owned, or possessed, by registered Democrats. The National Rifle Association released a statement doubting the legitimacy of the photograph of the President firing a skeet rifle. “The picture was obviously Photoshopped.” Former House Speaker Pelosi immediately denied the NRA’s accusation and released a picture of Obama wedged between the faces of Washington and Jefferson at Mount Rushmore.”

At a hastily arranged press conference, Republican Congressman, and former Vice Presidential candidate, Paul Ryan said, “I’m shocked that a Democrat would own a gun. It just doesn’t happen in a civilized society.  What’s next? Armed Democrats protecting abortion clinics.  It’s wrong, it’s dangerous and it ought to be stopped. I know it may not be politically correct to say this, but that’s what happens when you let those elite, over-educated, inner-city types into the White House.”

In response to a reporter asking Congressman Ryan whether there could be a deeper meaning to Obama firing a rifle at Camp David, Ryan said, “I’ve seen a recent Harvard study that said Democrats are genetically incapable of owning or firing a weapon. If that’s true, Obama is really a Republican. If that’s true, WE WON!!  Oh my God. The Republicans Won! Excuse me, I have to go work on my acceptance speech and get Biden the hell out of my office.”