Americans Fleeing to Bomb Shelters at Sight of Obama Packing a Weapon

obama aggressive about gun-control










A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

Upon learning that President Obama acquired his skeet rifle from the cold dead hands of Charlton Heston, the Republican leadership promised immediate legislation requiring registration of all guns owned, or possessed, by registered Democrats. The National Rifle Association released a statement doubting the legitimacy of the photograph of the President firing a skeet rifle. “The picture was obviously Photoshopped.” Former House Speaker Pelosi immediately denied the NRA’s accusation and released a picture of Obama wedged between the faces of Washington and Jefferson at Mount Rushmore.”

At a hastily arranged press conference, Republican Congressman, and former Vice Presidential candidate, Paul Ryan said, “I’m shocked that a Democrat would own a gun. It just doesn’t happen in a civilized society.  What’s next? Armed Democrats protecting abortion clinics.  It’s wrong, it’s dangerous and it ought to be stopped. I know it may not be politically correct to say this, but that’s what happens when you let those elite, over-educated, inner-city types into the White House.”

In response to a reporter asking Congressman Ryan whether there could be a deeper meaning to Obama firing a rifle at Camp David, Ryan said, “I’ve seen a recent Harvard study that said Democrats are genetically incapable of owning or firing a weapon. If that’s true, Obama is really a Republican. If that’s true, WE WON!!  Oh my God. The Republicans Won! Excuse me, I have to go work on my acceptance speech and get Biden the hell out of my office.”

On Gun Control Biden Promises To Get It Done, Not Get It Right

Mr. VP, Where's The Men's Room?









A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

VP Biden confirmed today that President Obama rejected spending months on a comprehensive gun control plan because he wants to strike while the iron is hot.  Biden said, “I asked Michelle what she thought her husband meant by that and she said he wants to act now while there’s a ‘tight window of opportunity’. Next week I will deliver a hot iron through a tight window. In Washington, when you can’t get it right, get it done.”

Biden continued, “Our task force has one week to find a way to keep guns out of the hands of criminals.” Biden favors language in any proposed legislation that would deny weapon ownership to anyone who has ever received a doctor’s prescription for antidepressants.” Biden acknowledged that this might eliminate a substantial portion of Americans from owning weapons. Biden added, “I’m just spit-balling here – with no silver bullet – but, you know, if we also prohibit the obese from owning guns, we would virtually eliminate gun ownership in this country. When asked if he agreed that such a proposal seemed half-baked at best, Biden said the Congress and the White House have a tradition of implementing half-baked ideas. “Repeat after me,” Biden chanted, “When it must be done now, getting it right is not an option.”

California’s Senator Barbara Boxer, who has been drafting gun control legislation for almost three decades was given thirty seconds to address the task force. She supports $50 million federal funding for schools to hire police officers and install surveillance equipment. But Biden opposes an NRA initiative to have every school equipped with private drones that explode when wires are tripped in school hallways or unattended bathrooms to deter strangers from entering schools, however, Biden admitted that such a plan would probably deter students from smoking in school hallways or bathrooms.

In today’s fiscal climate, a reporter asked whether a Republican controlled House would support massive federal funding for schools to get armed guards and surveillance equipment and expanding mental health services? “Of course not,” Biden acknowledged. “But we will get a bill to the president this week while the window is hot, and you can quote me on that.”

Biden could not explain the logic of always passing legislation in a panicked, emergency environment, but he did defend it.  “That’s how we do things in Washington. When you don’t have the votes to get it right, get it the hell off the front pages. Look at Healthcare. Forty million Americans without healthcare and most of them were against it. What a mess, but we got it done. Check the box and move on.  Did we fall off the Fiscal Cliff?  No way. Did we accomplish anything of value?  No way.  Look at our embassies. We had a security crisis at several of our embassies abroad and Congress acted immediately – well, after two years of hearings – by implementing a plan – not a comprehensive plan, not a good plan – but some good old-fashioned bi-partisan, under-funded sausage that ought to make you proud to be an American. Well, maybe this isn’t the best example.”

In a related story, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today he would be introducing legislation, modeled after the “overwhelming success of the Fiscal Cliff scenario,” that would give Congress a sixty-day deadline to pass comprehensive gun control legislation.”  Boehner said, “But here’s the really neat part: The bill further provides that if Congress misses the sixty day deadline, the government must immediately deliver twenty assault weapons and five thousand rounds of ammunition to anyone convicted of a felony.”

VP Biden said he, “loves deadlines” and once again is looking forward to working with Boehner and  Congress.