Yes, Yes, Marco Rubio Can Hold His Own

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(Editorial Note: As a result of this interview, Senator Rubio has earned, and will appear on, next month’s cover of AsssЯUs.)

With Obama mustering 70% of the Hispanic vote – the fastest growing demographic voting bloc – the GOP is desperately wishing for a 2016 Latino Miracle. But how? But wait. Look. Up in the sky. Is that a bird? A plane? No, it’s Florida’s Marco Rubio, Super-Latino….. well, sorta.

This week Senator Rubio sat down with our Bessie Moskowitz:

Bessie: So what’s a nice boy like you doing in a gang, Marco? What a Shanda. You’re going to break your mother’s heart.

Rubio:  No, the Gang of Eight are all U.S Senators. We wrote an Immigration bill creating a path to citizenship for some 11 million illegal residents.

Bessie: Why reward illegals with amnesty?

Rubio:  Amnesty? Oy Vey, Bessie. God forbid. The GOP forgives no one. But listen to my story. Here’s a hanky. My parents were immigrants. They escaped from Cuba to pursue freedoms they were denied under Castro.

Bessie: Didn’t your parents come here two years before Castro came to power?

Rubio: Well, technically, yes.

Bessie: So, you’re story is bullshit, right?

Rubio: Polls overwhelming indicate mine is a compelling narrative, and, my mendacity notwithstanding, is a repeatable, electable story.

Bessie: But Cubans, by law, cannot be illegal immigrants. All Cubans exiles are refugees, guaranteed automatic citizenship within 5 years, right?

Rubio: Yea, sure, but Cubans are also Latinos. We are all equal here, but some of us, I’ll admit, are more equal than others.  What could be more American?

Bessie: I’m confused. A Mexican who crosses the border can’t work legally and is subject to deportation. And under your bill pays a $2,000 fine, must learn to speak English, and wait 13 years before applying for citizenship. But a Cuban who sneaks onto our shores can’t be deported and is guaranteed citizenship in 5 years. Is that right?

The Portrait of Marco Rubio









Rubio:  What’s your point, Bessie? Please focus on how handsome I am.

Bessie: Now I see why most non-Cuban Hispanics call you a hypocrite. Senator, you’re what my generation calls a real schmuck.

Rubio:  Thanks, Bessie. As a presidential candidate, currying favor with the conservative, tea bagging base of my party, while staying loyal to my Cuban roots, I am trying to attract non-Cuban Latinos. I should like to see Houdini pull that trick off.

Bessie: You do pass the litmus paper schmuck test.

Rubio: Say what you want, but I designed an easy path for citizenship. All you have to do is go to Oz, kill the witch, bring home the ruby red slippers, the witch’s broom; and within six months win Dancing With The Stars and Olympic Gold in both the Summer and Winter Olympics, and, finally, be elected CEO of a Fortune 500 Company.

Bessie: Of the 11 million illegal residents, how many will obtain citizenship this way?

Rubio: Hard to guess, really. The path is there. Those who want it, will follow.

Bessie:  Of the 11 million, I’m guessing 6 or 7 people might get citizenship this way.

Rubio: Sounds about right. I see the green light went off. Nice interview. Okay. Well, to be honest with you, Bessie, it would be easier for 11 million illegals to take a Carnival Cruise to Cuba and upon returning to Florida demand immediate refugee status and citizenship as Cuban exiles.  We call that the VIP Path.