Spitzer Offers To Pay For Women’s Vote One Vote At A Time

September 4, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Weiner7- Real Men Commit AdultryResizedWith a week left in the New York race for Comptroller, candidate Elliot Spitzer, the dick-for-brains-wanna-be-mayor-oops-comptroller, tried a Kennedy-ish rhetorical appeal for the women’s vote:

“My Daddy said everyone has their price.  So, ask not what your city can do for this piece of shit, but ask rather what this piece of shit can do for you?  Am I not the same man who spent $80,000 a year on prostitutes, contributing to these young girl’s economic stability and upward mobility? Who better to chase the whores on Wall St. than a man who has spent his entire adult life spending daddy’s fortune chasing whores up and down the East Coast? 

Question from Reporter #1:  Why should we support your candidacy if your wife doesn’t?

I’m so glad you asked that question.  Were my wife here today would she not say that I am the same man who chose to not burden, nor bother, his wife with his primal urges, fantasies of mediocrity and other unmentionable sexual proclivities?  I have shoe-boxes full of receipts to prove how much I do not bother my wife.  Do you dare think I am not adored and loved by these women?

Audience: No, no, no !!!

No?  Well let me ask it this way: Compared to the other pieces of shit, who have embarrassed themselves running for political office, am I not a more educated, upper-crusted, entitled, son of wealthy real estate tycoon and more likeable guy than say Donald Trump?

Audience: No, no, no !!!

 Question from Reporter #2: Why should we elect a man who broke the laws he was elected to enforce?

Yes, I am humbled by that question; and, yes, I am a servant of the law even though I am well above the reach of the law that is enacted solely to keep the little people in their place, blah, blah, blah …  And, I hasten to add, I do not dye my hair, nor do I comb it over like some Zero Mostel-Donald Trump look alike.  And I will never, ever embarrass you by sexting my genitals to anyone as long as my wife continues to stand next to me, whenever my dick, acting sua esponte, on a frolic of its own, takes control of my life and my sacred honor.

And, in closing, if you are reading this speech please know that as I speak, great big, salty tears are rolling down my upper-class, chalky white cheeks — designed to show all the little people how god-damned sincere I am and to get them off their fat lower-class asses and to the poles next Tuesday to elect me again to a position of trust.  And if elected, I promise to screw you all.

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Junkman Caught Sexting Again – Weiner Swears Inappropriate Sex Behind Him — Well, Sorta

July 23, 2013 by 1 Comment

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Both Super-Creepy Weiner and Morally-challenged Spitzer lead their races for Mayor and Controller of New York. We wondered why and hit the streets to find answers.

Bus driver Michael O’Connor said, “Look, some guys love their penises; what can I say? But both of ‘em did the right thing and resigned as soon as they were caught. Look, Spitzer’s my fuck’in hero. Anybody who spends $80,000 for prostitutes and can keep his wife from killing him gets my vote.”

Superior Court Judge Hank E. Panky, III thinks Weiner should take a case of Kleenex and go off into the woods and never return, adding, “But Spitzer went after Wall Street. We need politicians with the chutsbah to prosecute Big Money. What Spitzer does in bed – and with whom – is between him and his wife.”

Asked whether Spitzer committed a crime by engaging in prostitution when as Attorney General of New York he aggressively enforced the prostitution laws. “Well, yea, that’s troubling.” When pressed again as to why he was supporting Spitzer, Judge Panky said, “Well, he donated $15k to my reelection campaign. I owe the guy. It’s not like he bought my vote. Uh, well, uh, really, it’s not.”

Toilet bowl and paper

 

 Why Won’t New Yorkers Flush These Guys Away?

 

 

 

 

Local Union leader Anthony (who asked his name and union affiliation not be disclosed) supports Spitzer.

“Remember Nixon’s Vice President, Spiro Agnew. He took payoffs in the White House for favors he delivered as governor of Maryland. That’s America – one hand always washes the other. Spitzer’s a guy I could do business wit. Weiner – my personal opinion – gives me the willies. My daughter told me she tweeted with Weiner, and later that night I threw her computer in the Hudson River.  She ain’t tweetin‘ so much anymore.”

When asked whether the citizens of New York deserved better than the likes of Weiner and Spitzer, Anthony waxed philosophically, “Truth is: we get what we deserve. Always do. That’s both the blessing and the horror of democracy. Honestly, I don’t care if a guy gets his hand caught in the cookie jar once in a while, but Weiner – who knows where this guy’s hands have been?”

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Politicians Start Your Engines: New York Sexual Deviants Get Ready, On Your Mark — Run

July 8, 2013 by Leave a Comment

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New York Governor Eliot Spitzer addresses the media with his wife Silda Wall at his office in New York, on March 12, 2008 to announce that he will resign from office after revelations that he had been a client of a prostitution ring. The resignation will

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer addresses the media with his wife Silda Wall at his office in New York, on March 12, 2008 to announce that he will resign from office after revelations that he had been a client of a prostitution ring. The resignation will

 

 

After disgraced New York politicians Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer both announced their intention to seek public office again this fall, North Korean Supreme Looney Bird Kim Jong-un announced his intention to run for Mayor of Gotham City. But the more shocking story is political newcomer, Peter Pedophile, announcing, today, his candidacy for Mayor of New York.

“If Weiner and Spitzer are throwing their junk into the ring, groveling and begging forgiveness,” Pedophile said, “why shouldn’t I? ”

According to a New York Times interview by Michael Barbaro, Elliot Spitzer insisted his three daughters – but not necessarily his wife – support his candidacy. Spitzer said, “Women are stopping me in the street asking me to run.”  And surveys show ninety-nine percent of the street walkers in Manhattan support Spitzer. Across from Spitzer headquarters, a lone prostitute stands holding a sign that reads, “We want our own John in City Hall.”

When asked to comment on Weiner’s stomp subway station speech comparing his life to tribulations suffered by Franklin Roosevelt and Nelson Mandella, Peter Pedophile said  “Yea, that makes sense. I think FDR contracting polio is identical to Weiner hearing voices that led him to uncontrollably tweet his penis to teenage girls.”

Pedophile continued, “But I’m lost with Weiner’s Mandella comparison. Someone in Weiner headquarters explained that one to me stating, ‘It’s simple and it’s catchy: Weiner is to Mandella as shit is to champagne.'”

Weiner1Pedophile acknowledged he lacks the name recognition of either Weiner or Spitzer, but he swore, “I can grovel and beg forgiveness with the best of them,” If elected, I will embarrass myself, my family and betray the electorate’s sacred trust. I promise to drag my wife to the podium to stand by me while I slobber all over myself before running for reelection.”

“I am the best candidate. Sure, I‘m a piece of shit but I‘m a better class of shit than Spitzer. I did not commit a crime in one jurisdiction I swore in another to enforce. Not me, not yet.”

In the current environment, political insiders believe Kim Jong-un is the front runner as he may be the most normal one in the bunch.

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