Cruise Industry Passenger Bill of Rights Includes Fecal Matter No Longer on Midnight Buffet

Sinking Ship 2In response to declining cruise-line bookings, resulting from recent on-board deaths, rapes, disappearances, fires, and other inconveniences, the cruise industry, via its new Passenger Bill of Rights, now guarantees passengers:

  1. The right to disembark whenever the ship is sinking even if the Captain has not yet given the, “Simon Says last-one-off-the-ship-is-it” command, or whenever the Captain slips and falls into – or is hiding in – a disembarking lifeboat.
  2. A guarantee that passengers shall no longer be served their own recycled fecal matter in the dining rooms, or at the Midnight Buffet, two days in a row.
  3.  In the event the ship is seized by Somalian pirates, all guests will be entitled to three free days at a half-star Somalian Pirate Bed & Breakfast retreat; plus complimentary commematorive, souvenir eye-patches; and wire notice of passenger’s kidnapping to institutional lenders of passenger’s choice.
  4. If the cruise ship you are scheduled to board is on fire or sinking, you shall not be required to board that imperiled ship unless you have failed to give the required two-day prior written notice of your lost enthusiasm for cruising.
  5. If your spouse, or fiance, or significant other, disappears, or is murdered, or has been sexually assaulted during a cruise, you are guaranteed to be “hooked up” with a replacement spouse, fiance, or significant other, by the ship’s concierge, within 15 minutes of your written notice to the ship’s Captain .
  6. The Cruise-Industry reserves the right to cancel this Passenger Bill of Rights, in whole or in part, whenever industry-wide passenger bookings increase, or when New York Senator Charles Schumer fails to seek, or secure, re-election.

Shoot The Messenger

Shoot The Messenger










A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

Three cheers for Coca-Cola for responding to this year’s College SAT bonus question: Which cola company is to obesity what cigarettes are to lung cancer. Coke, in an act of corporate courage, has taken the lead in the fight against obesity. The company has removed high fiber corn syrup (HFCS) from its entire line of beverages. Well, no they haven’t done that.  No way, but they have produced a really cool two-minute video message stating we should all “Come Together” in the fight against obesity.

And if coming together is the goal, Coke is doing its part in getting kids and teens to come together — in doctor’s offices and hospital emergency wards everywhere — as obesity among children, according to the American Heart Association,  “… is causing a broad range of health problems that previously weren’t seen until adulthood. These include high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes and elevated blood cholesterol levels…. Today, about one in three American kids and teens is overweight or obese, nearly triple the rate in 1963.”

Mark Bittman, a New York Times food columnist, in an Opinion Page – – wrote, quoting Rob Lustig, a pediatric endocrinologist at the University of California, “Different calories have different metabolic fates in the body. Those from fructose overwhelm the liver, forcing the pancreas to make more insulin and driving more energy into fat cells. And soda is nothing but a fructose delivery system.” And Researchers from the University of Oxford and the University of Southern California found, specifically, that the Type 2 diabetes prevalence was 20 percent higher in countries where the food supplies contained HFCS.

But, thank God, here comes Coke, unblushingly, to the rescue revealing its solution in its two-minute feel-good video. Instead of reducing or eliminating the amount of HFCS in each can, Coke intends to offer its caffeine and HFCS infused products in smaller cans – we will kill you, but it’s gonna take a bit little longer.

colasCoke denies that HFCS is harmful or that caffeine is addictive. Is Coca-Cola harmful to your health? Coke doesn’t know. But we know this: Drinking or touching Coca-Cola can be very harmful to your health. Why? Because Coca-Cola is really unlucky. Coke does not cause osteoporosis or bone mineral loss, but women who drink Coke are more likely, studies have shown, to get osteoporosis and suffer bone mineral loss. And Coke doesn’t cause type 2 diabetes or obesity. No way, but those that drink Coke are just unlucky. And you don’t want to hear about how unlucky union officials at Coke bottling plants in Columbia and elsewhere in South America are. Read what poet Martin Espada has to say about it at: –  and you thought Mean Joe Greene was nasty.