Romney Favors Don’t Get Out The Vote Law for Democrats

Rising costs related to getting out the vote could be eliminated if the Democrats would just stay home on election day. So concluded presidential candidate Mitt Romney. As per a cell-phone video, leaked to the press, last night, in a private meeting of party leaders, Romney urged for passage of a federal law making it illegal for Democrats to vote on election day.  Advised that such a law might run afoul of constitutional protections, Romney suggested a law requiring voters to bring a horse with them on election day – as proof of citizenship.  Romney continued, “I don’t know anyone who doesn’t own a horse or two. 

The leaders were convened to implement ways to stop or suppress Democrats from voting. Made up of mostly the old, the poor, the young, and the brown and black-skinned, Romney wondered,  “What do they all have in common?”.  Romney immediately provided the answer: “Most of them don’t have their money stashed away in the Cayman Islands, and, I’d bet anyone $20 million they don’t have picture i.d.; and even if they do, they don’t have maids and servants to find it for them like we do.” 

Senator Noah I. Cue suggested the media might get wind of this idea and expose it in the press. “Relax,” Romney assured the party leaders, “The media never covers real news. We’ll send out some more pictures and stats on Paul Ryan’s body weight and fat content. That’ll keep the media busy till Christmas.”

Court Decides Voters May Be Intimidated & Harassed Before Voting

In an King Solomon-ish opinion, a Pennsylvania court decided voters without proper photo i.d.  can be humiliated and threatened but cannot be prevented from voting.  In a companion case, the same Court is expected to rule later today on a second law passed by the Republican controlled Pennsylvania legislature.  As decided in that second case, loaded guns can be pointed at voters unable to produce proper i.d., but election officials will not be permitted to fire those weapons at voters “… to intimidate them.”   It was not clear whether the court was upholding a poll official’s rights to shoot voters if the intention was not to intimate them.  The judge, who signed both of these decisions, was not available to comment but was observed exiting the Courthouse muttering to himself, “I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date!”, before this model of muddled jurisprudence stumbled down a rabbit hole into Wonderland.  The National Rifle Association, through a spokesperson, applauded the decisions stating that, “Anything less than permitting citizens to point loaded weapons at other citizens, would have a chilling effect upon our democracy and the second amendment.”  When asked to comment, Mitt Romney said that any Mexicans disappearing down rabbit holes in an attempt to get to Wonderland would be self-deported under a Romney administration and was later heard lamenting to his wife Ann as he left a scheduled event, “Even Nixon didn’t want to be president this badly.”