House Speaker Boehner Buys Condo Overlooking Fiscal Cliff

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation: 

House Speaker Boehner’s office confirmed today the Speaker has moved into a spacious new home on the edge of the Fiscal Cliff but denied this purchase was an ominous signal that negotiations with the White House to solve the fiscal crisis were deteriorating. The Speaker said, “Golly gee no. The Fiscal Cliff is a lovely neighborhood; and to make it safer I am proposing legislation that will make both global warming and any financial crisis illegal.”  The Speaker then rushed off to his new condo on the Fiscal Cliff to “enjoy the view” singing to himself, “The country’s in the very best of hands, the best of hands…”

Later, Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell announced he intends to introduce similar legislation in the Senate, adding, “My primary goal for the next four years is to make sure President Obama is not reelected.”   After McConnell was informed by a reporter that Obama was prohibited by the U.S. Constitution from seeking a third-term, McConnell seemed truly shocked.  “Are you sure about that?” McConnell asked. “If that’s true, what the hell are we fighting about?”

When a White House spokesperson was asked whether the President would sign such legislation outlawing global warming and a fiscal crisis, all he said was, “Dumber than dirt, dumber than dirt.”  It was not clear immediately to this reporter which question the spokesperson was responding to.


This Thanksgiving Thank God Jill Kelley is Not Your Next-Door Neighbor

A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:  

If God has time to entertain all my Wishes, including striking anyone down who dares to start a 2016 presidential campaign before November of 2016, then this Thanksgiving I :

  1. Thank God Jill Kelley is not my next-door neighbor because I don’t want my emails and topless photos of me being boxed up, carted out of my house, and combed over by thousands of FBI agents in hot pursuit of some federal crime I might have committed in the social intercourse of leaning over the boundary bush and being neighborly with good old social climbing Jill.
  2. Thank God my name is not General Petraeus, not General Allen, not General Motors, not General Foods, not General anything cause this Kelley woman never met a General she didn’t chase after and bring down.
  3. Thank God the war in Afghanistan has been going on for so many years that not one American soldier is at risk of death or injury in that country so our commanding officer has nothing else to do all day but write 30,000 emails to a Tampa socialite and swear, “I did not have sex with that woman.”  As if I never heard that line before; and if it’s true (this time), then:
  4. Thank God, I mean really Thank God, for the “chain of command” because somewhere, someplace, someone in authority, way, way down the chain of command – maybe a straight person or maybe a gay person no longer preoccupied with “don’t ask, don’t tell – is not thinking with his or her genitals in hand and is actually protecting this country from those who intend to do it great harm.
  5. And golly-gee God, most of all, thanks ever so much this Thanksgiving for giving us Americans this extraordinary Constitution and really swell form of government, that somehow survives and endures year after year even though so many of our elected and appointed leaders are driving around in government issued vehicles with their heads stuck up their asses, with one foot firmly on the throttle and one hand wrapped around a bottle of Viagra, wondering where and when the next really cool extra-marital thrill might be coming from before the blessed effects of “this here little blue pill wears off.”

Court Decides Voters May Be Intimidated & Harassed Before Voting

In an King Solomon-ish opinion, a Pennsylvania court decided voters without proper photo i.d.  can be humiliated and threatened but cannot be prevented from voting.  In a companion case, the same Court is expected to rule later today on a second law passed by the Republican controlled Pennsylvania legislature.  As decided in that second case, loaded guns can be pointed at voters unable to produce proper i.d., but election officials will not be permitted to fire those weapons at voters “… to intimidate them.”   It was not clear whether the court was upholding a poll official’s rights to shoot voters if the intention was not to intimate them.  The judge, who signed both of these decisions, was not available to comment but was observed exiting the Courthouse muttering to himself, “I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date!”, before this model of muddled jurisprudence stumbled down a rabbit hole into Wonderland.  The National Rifle Association, through a spokesperson, applauded the decisions stating that, “Anything less than permitting citizens to point loaded weapons at other citizens, would have a chilling effect upon our democracy and the second amendment.”  When asked to comment, Mitt Romney said that any Mexicans disappearing down rabbit holes in an attempt to get to Wonderland would be self-deported under a Romney administration and was later heard lamenting to his wife Ann as he left a scheduled event, “Even Nixon didn’t want to be president this badly.”