NFL COMMISSIONER SUFFERED BRAIN-ECTOMY BEFORE SAYING KNOCKING WIFE UNCONSCIOUS NOT OKAY WHENEVER “INSTANT REPLAY” VIDEO AVAILABLE

Goodell, The Human Weathervane

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Following up on our story of July, 2013 (nominating Goodell for Horse’s Ass of The Year) and the hell that has broken loose since Roger Goodell suspended player Ray Rice for two games for knocking his fiancé  unconscious, we can now report that surgeon Dr. Oops has, today, publicly apologized for inadvertently removing NFL Commissioner Goodell’s brain, last year, during what had been scheduled as minor surgery to remove the Commissioner’s foot from his mouth.

Dr. Oops compared Goodell’s unfortunate brain-ectomy to a tonsillectomy, stating, “Fortunately, Goodell won’t miss his brain because, like most politicians, he hardly uses it.”

To prove his point that Goodell is doing just fine, Dr. Oops referenced some recent Goodell decisions (occurring both before and after his brain-ectomy):

1. This July, Goodell announced his “Zero Tolerance” for players’ on-field use of racial slurs or abusive language relating to sexual orientation. Goodell said, “Such conduct will not be tolerated in the NFL.”  Penalty to be imposed: 15-yards.

2.Smoke two joints: Penalty: Suspension for one year.

3.Under Goodell’s New Domestic Violence Policy, knock your wife unconscious without video evidence confirming same: never happened (no penalty).

4.Knock someone else’s wife, or fiancé, unconscious with, or without, video confirmation: no penalty (“Since the victim ain’t a wife, fiancé, or partner,” Goodell explained gleefully, “such conduct fails to fall within NFL’s strict definition of Domestic Violence”).

Goodell, the Human Weathervane

Dr. Oops did admit, during his press conference, that he alone is solely responsible for Goodell failing to ask the Atlantic City casino for a copy of the in-elevator video footage of Ray Rice knocking his fiancé unconscious after Goodell viewed the video of Rice dragging his unconscious fiancé out of the elevator. “Let’s be honest,” Oops said, “only someone without a brain would fail to do that.”

In a related story, Commissioner Goodell announced, today, that he is suspending himself indefinitely for “conduct unbecoming to the NFL and human beings everywhere.”  Goodell added, “During my suspension, which may well last until the heat gets out of the kitchen, or until I say, or do, something not patently offensive to women or Native Americans. I will continue, of course, to receive my $44 million annual salary, as my team owners love the job I’m doing.”

Accepting Nominations For Horse’s Ass Of The Year

 

Satire-ish's Horse's Ass Award

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A surveillance camera, today, captured this poignant scene, between National Football League Commissioner, Roger Goodell, and his bedroom Mirror:

“Mirror, Mirror, on my Wall,

Who’s the bestest, most powerful Commissioner and has the biggest dick of All?”

 

“You Roger, you Do,

yet the whole World laughs at You –

so sad but True.

Now stop crying, Roger. Put down Rubber Ducky – use your Wit,

and show the world you’re not an empty suit, a corporate tool, a bigoted Hypocrite.”

 

“This is about the Rooney Rule isn’t it? That stupid Rule requires a minority candidate be interviewed before a head coach or general manager can be hired by any, and all, NFL Teams.

But, golly gee, it doesn’t really mean what it purports or Seems.

We promised to interview minorities – raise their Hopes,

Nobody promised to actually hire black coaches. Christ!! What are we – Dopes?

Nothing I do is ever enough or Ample.

I mean this year alone we hired 15 new head coaches and General Managers, all of whom were…….. well, very white. Never mind; bad Example.”

 

“From my side of the Mirror, Roger, not to be Crass,

but if you aren’t, then who is a bigger horse’s Ass?

Poor, poor Roger Goodell, listen to me, baby, my mirror-imaged Honey,

the general prevailing view is: you care only about the profits, the Money.”

 

Goodell

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“This is about the name ‘Redskins‘, right? There’s nothing wrong with the name Washington ‘Redskins.’ Like I said to the Congressmen that asked me to have the name changed, ‘”For the team’s millions of fans and customers … the name… stands for strength, courage, pride and Respect….

Any conclusion to the contrary is simply Incorrect.”

“Roger, Roger, use your Intellect,

When in doubt, deflect, Misdirect,

What would you think of the Atlanta Slanty-eyed Bastards or the Memphis Klu Klux Klaners?”

 

“Pardon my excitement, pardon my Manors;

Oh, Mirror, Mirror, what a great corporate Name;

don’t tell me it’s taken. Oh, oh, that would be such a Shame.”

 

“Roger, Roger, do you care at all that some are truly offended?”

 

“Oh, Mirror Mirror, see the pecuniary opportunities; fences can always be Mended.”

 

“Roger, Roger, don’t you ever yield to old open Wounds?”

 

“Of course we do; that’s why we rejected the Selma Alabama Coons.”

 

“Bottom line, Roger, Roger, do you think the world is better off keeping the Redskins Name?”

 

“Mirror Mirror, they hired me to make more money, not change the world; that’s not the Same.

We are about the money, about the paying Fans,

Pardon my candor but nothing I, nor we, could possibly do will relieve the pain of the Native Americans.

Why bother?