After disgraced New York politicians Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer both announced their intention to seek public office again this fall, North Korean Supreme Looney Bird Kim Jong-un announced his intention to run for Mayor of Gotham City. But the more shocking story is political newcomer, Peter Pedophile, announcing, today, his candidacy for Mayor of New York.
“If Weiner and Spitzer are throwing their junk into the ring, groveling and begging forgiveness,” Pedophile said, “why shouldn’t I? ”
According to a New York Times interview by Michael Barbaro, Elliot Spitzer insisted his three daughters – but not necessarily his wife – support his candidacy. Spitzer said, “Women are stopping me in the street asking me to run.” And surveys show ninety-nine percent of the street walkers in Manhattan support Spitzer. Across from Spitzer headquarters, a lone prostitute stands holding a sign that reads, “We want our own John in City Hall.”
When asked to comment on Weiner’s stomp subway station speech comparing his life to tribulations suffered by Franklin Roosevelt and Nelson Mandella, Peter Pedophile said “Yea, that makes sense. I think FDR contracting polio is identical to Weiner hearing voices that led him to uncontrollably tweet his penis to teenage girls.”
Pedophile continued, “But I’m lost with Weiner’s Mandella comparison. Someone in Weiner headquarters explained that one to me stating, ‘It’s simple and it’s catchy: Weiner is to Mandella as shit is to champagne.'”
Pedophile acknowledged he lacks the name recognition of either Weiner or Spitzer, but he swore, “I can grovel and beg forgiveness with the best of them,” If elected, I will embarrass myself, my family and betray the electorate’s sacred trust. I promise to drag my wife to the podium to stand by me while I slobber all over myself before running for reelection.”
“I am the best candidate. Sure, I‘m a piece of shit but I‘m a better class of shit than Spitzer. I did not commit a crime in one jurisdiction I swore in another to enforce. Not me, not yet.”
In the current environment, political insiders believe Kim Jong-un is the front runner as he may be the most normal one in the bunch.