On Gun Control Biden Promises To Get It Done, Not Get It Right

Mr. VP, Where's The Men's Room?









A Sean Elias Audio Interpretation:

VP Biden confirmed today that President Obama rejected spending months on a comprehensive gun control plan because he wants to strike while the iron is hot.  Biden said, “I asked Michelle what she thought her husband meant by that and she said he wants to act now while there’s a ‘tight window of opportunity’. Next week I will deliver a hot iron through a tight window. In Washington, when you can’t get it right, get it done.”

Biden continued, “Our task force has one week to find a way to keep guns out of the hands of criminals.” Biden favors language in any proposed legislation that would deny weapon ownership to anyone who has ever received a doctor’s prescription for antidepressants.” Biden acknowledged that this might eliminate a substantial portion of Americans from owning weapons. Biden added, “I’m just spit-balling here – with no silver bullet – but, you know, if we also prohibit the obese from owning guns, we would virtually eliminate gun ownership in this country. When asked if he agreed that such a proposal seemed half-baked at best, Biden said the Congress and the White House have a tradition of implementing half-baked ideas. “Repeat after me,” Biden chanted, “When it must be done now, getting it right is not an option.”

California’s Senator Barbara Boxer, who has been drafting gun control legislation for almost three decades was given thirty seconds to address the task force. She supports $50 million federal funding for schools to hire police officers and install surveillance equipment. But Biden opposes an NRA initiative to have every school equipped with private drones that explode when wires are tripped in school hallways or unattended bathrooms to deter strangers from entering schools, however, Biden admitted that such a plan would probably deter students from smoking in school hallways or bathrooms.

In today’s fiscal climate, a reporter asked whether a Republican controlled House would support massive federal funding for schools to get armed guards and surveillance equipment and expanding mental health services? “Of course not,” Biden acknowledged. “But we will get a bill to the president this week while the window is hot, and you can quote me on that.”

Biden could not explain the logic of always passing legislation in a panicked, emergency environment, but he did defend it.  “That’s how we do things in Washington. When you don’t have the votes to get it right, get it the hell off the front pages. Look at Healthcare. Forty million Americans without healthcare and most of them were against it. What a mess, but we got it done. Check the box and move on.  Did we fall off the Fiscal Cliff?  No way. Did we accomplish anything of value?  No way.  Look at our embassies. We had a security crisis at several of our embassies abroad and Congress acted immediately – well, after two years of hearings – by implementing a plan – not a comprehensive plan, not a good plan – but some good old-fashioned bi-partisan, under-funded sausage that ought to make you proud to be an American. Well, maybe this isn’t the best example.”

In a related story, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today he would be introducing legislation, modeled after the “overwhelming success of the Fiscal Cliff scenario,” that would give Congress a sixty-day deadline to pass comprehensive gun control legislation.”  Boehner said, “But here’s the really neat part: The bill further provides that if Congress misses the sixty day deadline, the government must immediately deliver twenty assault weapons and five thousand rounds of ammunition to anyone convicted of a felony.”

VP Biden said he, “loves deadlines” and once again is looking forward to working with Boehner and  Congress.


  1. Ingrid Paaske says:

    Hard to believe Congress has a 9% approval rating.

    • Yep. And in the real news – of which I am not a part – according to Public Policy Polling, as published on January 8th in the Washington Post, The Philadelphia Inquirer and elsewhere, Congress is less popular than root canals, cockroaches, France, traffic jams, and Genghis Kahn, but the good news is that Congress polled more favorably than gonorrhea and communism.

  2. If the founding Fathers could have foreseen what taxation with representation would be like, they might have decided the Revolution was not worth the trouble. I wonder if the Queen of England would care to take back the 13 colonies at this late date?

    • A needle in a haystack, a honest man – more difficult to find than these is an accountant with a sense of humor. Not true. No more. Steve, you do your profession proud, and I thank you for your comments. I agree. Taxation with representation must have sounded really neat to our founding fathers – a principle worth dying for. If our founders could see what a dysfunctional Congress did with that principle, I guess they might rise from their crypts and shout, in unison, the words of Capt. Yossarian (from Catch 22) who reminded us that, “Anything worth dying for is worth living for.”

    • Ingrid Paaske says:

      Very true, Steve. But if we give the 13 colonies back to the Queen, are we all then required to begin every sentence with “Eh” and play our Super Bowl on ice with a puck? Well, I’d still vote, “Eh, yea.”

  3. WOW! Approval rate that high?

  4. The people of this country continue to ignore our current legislative (feudal thievery) and economic (depression) reality, demonstrating a remarkable level of psychological egoism…… certainly this will be the cause of the next great earth quake, as our founding fathers and those who have fought for this country roll over in their graves in protest

  5. Ha! You should be writing skits for SNL!

    • Sometimes, Lila, the politicians do all the heavy lifting and make it easy for the writer. There should be a law requiring Congress to open and close each session with a full-throated rendition of “Send In The Clowns.” In my one page story, Of Wine And Aging (on the site under “Short Plays & Stories”) I couldn’t find a Congressman so I used my father as the narrator (he could have been a Congressman – he was just smart enough). Without parents there would be no fiction worth reading. Then again, there also wouldn’t be any need for protracted therapy.

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